Random Ramblings of the Misunderstood

Measuring Success

2011-03-16T10:41:00.001-07:00

So you want to be a writer? I have a question for you. How do you measure your own success?

For many of us I'm sure that getting published is the ultimate goal, but is it the only form of success? Is someone else giving credit to your work, putting money where their mouth is to publish your work the only way to prove your success?

For people like me, the answer would be yes. I have no self belief in my writing ability, so when i get a compliment, i just don't believe it. I believe that people tell me what i want to hear. I'm paranoid that way, but that's just me.

The chance that any of us wannabe writers getting published is slim, so if like me it's the only way to prove your writing is worth something, then we are doomed to think ourselves as failures.

I remember when i used to write for fun, because i enjoyed creating characters and making them interact, when the thought of being published was a distant dream. Now i know that i want to be a published author, i have found the thought of writing quite crippling. Fear of failure scares the hell out of me.

I need to refocus. See individual achievements for what they are, stop focusing on the bigger picture, stop putting so much pressure on myself. Whether it's getting published or not, writing a novel is still a huge personal achievement. Completing a chapter is an achievement, it means you're one step closer to the finished product. And even if we only manage 500 words before crawling into bed, it's still an achievement because it's 500 words we would otherwise not have written.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to start focusing on the smaller things. I'm going to celebrate my smaller achievements, take pride in things i previously would have passed over. And if someone tells me they like what i write, I'm going to try really hard to believe them. Because, realistically, even if they are telling me what i want to hear, the only person to gain from it would be me.

Missing Mojo

2011-03-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

Whilst struggling to get to sleep last night, all i could think about was my current lack of mojo. A few people have commented to me recently how i need to go out more, do more, and it has made me realise how little i actually do, and how secluded i have become.

Currently i am signed off work by my doctor, but the time i spend at home is not the slightest bit productive. I have always wanted to be a writer, but i rarely write these days. Before i have always put this down to fear of failure, but now i just think i have withdrawn so far into myself that even writing, my biggest dream, my life times ambition, even that holds little motivation for me.

I used to have a wide circle of friends, and i would go out and socialise. Now i have one friend who i regularly see and keep in touch with, and he is awesome. But sometimes, when I'm with him, i will feel so disconnected from him, and i don't understand why.

Its the same with my family. Tonight, i am visiting my mother, and my brother will be there. And even though i am looking forward to seeing them both, already i can feel myself slipping into a state of mind where i am becoming numb, putting up shields and preparing a list of things that i could talk about, and i have nothing. I have done nothing to warrant conversation. So i will sit there, listen to both of their news, and i will withdraw even more into myself because i wont be able to relate to their comings and goings which in turn will make me feel invisible which will then make me not want to go round again because of how i ignored i feel when I'm there.

Which is really and utterly stupid.

The biggest problem i have at the moment is that even though i would like to be more social, quite frankly, people scare me. They never used to. But these days, even sitting on a bus i feel like everyone is staring at me and it really makes me uncomfortable, and i start to feel suffocated, and then i start panicking and then i want to run and flee and hide away from the world.

I've never really been any good at small talk. If people want to know about the weather, look outside, it doesn't need commenting on. Yes, you have a lovely dress, but you already know its lovely, or you wouldn't be wearing it.

None of this makes any sense to me. I never used to be this way.

I would love to be more like the person i used to be. I don't understand what happened to make me suddenly feel so inferior to everyone else. Because if i strip away all the confusion and emotion, that's what it all boils down too. Me feeling inferior. Me not feeling like i am worth anything good. Me not being deserving of good things and attention.

I do not know how to change this. I know i have people who love me, and they do their best to try and convince me i am worth something, that i have things to offer the world, that i have potential, that i am a good person worthy of good things.

But i just don't see what they see.

I do not know how to get out of this negative mindset. I do not know i can move forward with the current beliefs that i have, that i am convinced are true. So if any of you have any bright ideas, please let me know, as i am tired of feeling like i am just existing.

I want to live again.

Inner Darkness

2010-06-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

This was written for prompt 2 of the Writing Workshop held over at Sleep is for the Weak.

Depression. Lately, it is my world. I have suffered with it since i was a teenager, but recently, it seems to have taken a real hold of me. Shadows constantly surrounding me, everywhere i look there is darkness, gloom and misery.

Isolation. I have taken to hiding myself away from the world. Catch 22 for me really. I feel so sad and lonely, i physically cannot make myself leave my house to go and socialise for i feel so bad and worthless inside.

Suffocating. The air around me is dense, too dense to feel like I'm breathing easily. Every breath is a struggle, i wonder why i bother to keep breathing. A feint glimmer of hope that pierces the veil of darkness tells me there is a reason, I am just yet to find it.

Pain. Its not a physical ache, but my heart truly hurts from all the misery i have inside. Why can't i feel the happiness that others do?

Anger. I have this volcano of hate deep inside, I'm not sure who to direct it at. The people who have hurt me? Others, who feel happiness whilst i lay here on the edge of suicide? Or myself, for not being strong, not being able to beat this monster inside of me?

Worthless. I feel like dirt under somebody's shoe. Maybe i just don't deserve to be happy?

Tearful. Tears stream from dejected eyes. Once again i am crying, for what reason i cannot fathom. Sometimes i don't need a reason.

Drained. I am being pulled downwards, it is a battle to keep myself upright. Demons pulling at my soul, dragging me further into the darkness, beckoning me forth.

Numb. There are so many emotions swirling in my head, it is hard to focus on just one of them. I am consumed with them all that sometimes, i cannot feel any of them.

Despair. Uncontrolled despair. I wish i were stronger, braver... I wish i didn't feel this way. I wish i were someone else.

I wish lost of things.

But wishing doesn't help.

Light at the end of the Tunnel

2010-06-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

So much for my post about no more excuses. I am so terribly lazy when it comes to self motivation. Though in my defence, the last two months have been rather eventful. It has been the anniversary of a couple of very bad memories for me, along with loosing my job, and managing to get myself pregnant.

Its not been all bad though. Me and Ben have now been officially together for a year, and apart from the whole pregnancy thing throwing a spanner in the works, things between us have been running rather smoothly. We have started talking about moving in together, which for both of us will be a huge step.

My group therapy is also coming to an end this week, and that i can assure you has been a tough journey. I have always felt that i was such a complex person because i had so many conflicting emotions about various things, and things i felt that just made no sense. But now i fully understand a lot of my emotions, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good or a bad thing. Whilst the therapy will soon be over, i still have a way to go before my head is in a place where i feel is safe. But i feel that journey will be easier now, especially with all the support i have around me.

It's when you go through tough times you realise who your true friends are, and even which family members truly love you and will be there for you. And for the most part, i really couldn't have asked for more. I have so much love around me that i never really saw before, and when i take the time to actually look around, i can see it. And i can't believe how i missed it before. Maybe the black cloud above me is finally disappearing, allowing me to see the brightness of the world that i could never see before. Who knew the world was so full of colour, so full of energy and full of dreams.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if only my eyes hadn't been so closed, i would have seen it sooner.

Submission

2010-03-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Actions speak louder than words
I hope the saying is true
As i lay myself before you
See me for who i am
I cannot hide behind my nakedness
Emotions caught in my throat
Too much to say when a kiss can say it all
You were the fire i needed
My frozen core had time to thaw
Its you that holds the key
To open up my door
And take my breath away

No More Excuses!

2010-03-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since i wrote anything. Simple reason being i am hiding.

I am hiding from myself.

I have always been afraid that i will be a failure as a writer, and this fear stems from the fact that a writer is all i have ever wanted to be. From an early age i always enjoyed reading, and when i started high school this developed further into a love of writing, bringing my own creations to life on the page in a world so much brighter than our own. But as i have grown, i have been plagued with insecurity, with fear, with frustration. All at myself.

And for fear of copying what Josie over at Sleep is for the Week wrote recently, it is insecurity that my writing just isn't good enough, not interesting enough, not eloquent enough...

I'm afraid that i am a typical woman - i want things and i want them now! I am intelligent enough to know that what i want to achieve with my writing will take a lot of hard work and a lot of time, but at heart i am a dreamer, and live in a dreamers world. And its got to stop!

For fear of being a failure as a writer i have stopped myself from writing, thus in itself making me a failure.

Why should i care if people don't like what i write? I'm never going to please everyone and it is unrealistic of me to think i will.
Why should i assume people don't like what i write if they don't comment? Maybe they're just busy!
Why should i worry if people don't like what i write if it has been therapeutic for me? It is my blog after all.

No more excuses.

The writing starts here!

This was written for Josie's writing workshop #17 over at Sleep is for the Weak and i chose prompt 3 - "What excuses are you hiding behind at the moment?"

Ummming and Arrring

2010-02-09T05:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing so well at the moment. Life has gotten to me. So, to try and give me a distraction, an online friend has given me an idea!

In short, he suggested that i set up another blog, seperate from this one, and write there. More specifically, i should write about a certain character, and be consistent with their story. Kind of like an online novel i suppose.

It all came about because i was moaning that i didnt feel very creative, and those people that read my blog only see me moan about how im currently feeling. He advised by having the two different blogs, i can be creative on one yet still be able to express myself freely on the other.

So i decided what the hell! I'll do it!

But now i can't decide which character to write about. The novel that i mentioned i had started writing when i was sixteen is sitting wide open in front of me and there are so many delicious characters i could choose from! In the planning stage of my novel, i had planned to write three of four books, all centering about a different character... But which should i do first!?

Tough decisions!

As the main story was about Pheonix, i'm going to ignore him for now. He already has his story planned, and it wouldn't fit what i'm trying to do here.

I'm thinking about writing about my hapless mage, i think he could be quite comical, to write about his spells going wrong and all the disasters he causes because of it.

Or Jenta, the queen who isn't a queen - (all explained in the first novel - dont worry it makes sense to me!)

Or Luanda, my wholesome priest. Hmmm, perhaps a little boring as a solo character for this idea.

Or Tulani, the last of his race, his heritage extending all the way back as far as documented, a fountain of knowledge of the world and psychic extrodinaire.

Hmm.

Perhaps a new character? Haha =/

Reaching Out

2010-02-04T02:15:00.000-08:00

Its that time again! Sleep is for the Weak has once more posted a weekly writing workshop and here is my effort! I chose prompt 5.

I'm not afriad anymore. Well, i am. I am absolutely petrified. But i cannot go on the way i have been.

For those who read my blog you will know 2 things: a, its very depressing to read haha, and b, im making an awful lot of changes right now.

You see, I was abused as a child. I have tried to deal with it previously, but i never seemed ready. Or i was too scared. I have seen three counsellors in the past, and i just couldnt connect to any of them. I felt like i was being judged every time. I didn't feel comfortable.

And for me thats a huge thing - needing to feel comfortable, to feel safe. It was a family member who abused me. Both my parents knew what he was like and still let him into our home. I have a lot of anger inside me, anger i am too afraid to show.

It has took me 16 years to get to where i am now. Still a mess, but stumbling along through life, trying to keep my head above water. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes and a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I want to be the happy girl i used to be as a child, the confident little madam who was afraid of nothing, energetic, outgoing...

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

It's time for me to reach out.

A Little Understanding

2010-02-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

When I first started writing this blog it was never with the intention of writing about my childhood experiences. Sure, I knew it would come up at some point, but I never suspected that it would be my main focus.

It’s a little annoying to be honest. I mean, I have always enjoyed writing, and despite what I write on this blog, my miserable life experiences are not the only thing I write about.

I love poetry – not reading it, just writing it. I’m not exactly talented at it, but it’s a way for me to be creative, to express myself. Ok, so the majority of my poetry is dark and negative, but there is the odd piece that has a glimmer of hope and a dream of a better life. I love writing short stories – admittedly, I haven’t written one for a while, but I wrote a fair few not that long ago.

And my novel… ah my blasted novel. What to do, what to do! Its been sitting on my shelf (well, now its packed in a box) for about 10 years or so now, untouched and unloved. I planned and planned that story so much that I don’t actually know what’s going on in it anymore. I had that many ideas for it I couldn’t actually decide on the final plotline. I wrote the prologue and the first two chapters, I had created my own language for it, planned each individual character, created a whole world for all the action to take place, planned historical events that would help shape the future of my world, designed the law and the whole political structure… I think too much planning put me off. Its as though I had already wrote the story in my head that it was too much effort to put it down on paper.

If any of you would like to read my poor attempt so far you can find the prologue over at Judiths Room!

I am confused by a lot of things at the moment. My writing is the only way that I can work through certain things as I struggle to express myself vocally. I have had a few people comment to me recently that they are surprised by my honesty on my blog, that I share so freely some of the things that I have experienced where most people wouldn’t. Well this is where i am at the moment. This is what i need to do. I don't write everything here, some things just don't need to be said, or are things that i myself find too hard to mention.

There is so much more that i could share with you. But for now, I shall leave you with this:

This is me
And all my generosity
This is me
And all of my monstrosities

This is me
Laid bare before your eyes
This is me
I wear no disguise

This is me
Naked to the core
This is me
I cannot give you more

Flashback Ramblings

2010-01-29T03:07:00.000-08:00

Today I am feeling vulnerable. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the meeting I have at work this afternoon? Or the travelling I will be doing this evening and being around people? Or that I am feeling drained from my lack of sleep? Though I am pretty sure it’s because of the flashback I had last night.

It’s strange, to suddenly see something that had been blocked for so long. It kind of just hits you, like a big whopping smack in the face. You take a step back… Did you really just see what you think you did? Remember what you think you did? Is it real? Did it really happen?

When it’s been blocked for so long, that flashback is like its happening for the first time. At least, in the first instant. Now I have had time to process it, I feel… actually I’m not quite sure how I am feeling. Except vulnerable. And on edge. At least it means that I am starting to deal with things and accept them. By remembering previous events it means I am opening up, and starting to come to terms with my past.

My head is fuzzy today. The Mini-Me I spoke of yesterday keeps hitting the chocolate button, the tea button, the hugs button… and shes damn well jumping up and down on the Ben button.

I need him. I need him like I’ve never needed him before. And I think that is only adding to my vulnerability right now. The nature of my flashback last night… I’m a little scared about having contact with Ben… not because I’m scared of the contact, but because I’m scared the contact will be a trigger for a panic attack, or another flashback.

Sometimes I wish I had never started this journey. Sometimes I think I was coping better with everything being locked away and just being a quiet, sad girl who liked to keep to herself. But there comes a stage in your life when you realise there is just so much more out there. I’m never going to see the world locked away in my room and hiding from everyone. I’m never going to live a life if I’m too consumed with my emotions to be able see the things passing before me.

To be able to deal with all the thoughts going on in my head I need to take a closer look at them. I need to be able to understand them. Then I can take steps to move past them.

It’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I had gotten myself into a position where I would be strong enough to cope with the things inside my head, strong enough to tackle them. I guess I was for the things I could remember… but these flashbacks are a whole new ball game, one of which I was not prepared for.

I’m anxious. I’m scared. I’m damn well petrified. What else have I buried so deep in my psyche that I can’t recall? Are these other banished memories going to jump out at me too?

I’m trying to keep a clear head, but I am struggling. My coping mechanisms are not exactly healthy ones, and I do not want to go back to being that way, to doing… that. But God it helped and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to vent my anger, I don’t know how to vent my frustration, I don’t know how to express myself.

And so I need Ben. I am safe when I am with Ben. Ben transports me to a place that I can only describe as heaven, for that little world we are in when we are together is just, well, heavenly. Its like the whole world doesn’t exist anymore – it is just us. I don’t have to worry about the real world, my problems, my stresses. I don’t have to worry about trying to keep a brave face on for the world, trying to be happy when I’m clearly not.

For Ben sees me. Really sees me. And he understands. And he accepts me for who I am and has never once tried to change me.

Kelly HQ

2010-01-28T05:02:00.000-08:00

Hurrah to Josie and the Writing Workshop! As always, the link can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2010/01/28/writing-workshop-what-if/

I have chosen prompt 3 "What have the voices in your head been saying lately?". However, i haven't exactly stuck to the prompt...

The voice in my head isn't a voice - it is a person. It is a Mini-Me. She has a huge room where she sits all day in a big comfy high backed leather chair, pressing buttons as and when necessary on her over sized control panel, peering out the large windows that are my eyes to see what is going on. She leads a quiet life, pouring over books that i only assume are written accounts of my memories as she seems to keep them in big, over stuffed cabinets at the back of her room. Perhaps that's why my memory is so bad - she needs to do some spring cleaning!

I am quite a simple individual. My Mini-Me only needs a few buttons to press to keep me going and in check - namely "Chocolate", "Hugs," "Tea" and a fairly recent addition, "Ben". Once these emergency buttons have been pressed there is a constant alarm that rings in my head and until these needs have been fulfilled, the alarm resonates throughout my head and i cannot function properly.

Whenever my Mini-Me has an opinion on something, she will lean over to her desk and press the intercom. Recent things my Mini-Me has said:

"Get out of bed you lazy cow!"
"I can't believe you did that!"
"Hahaha you're a moron."
"They're just going to laugh at you."
"Can you not hear the Chocolate alarm!?"
"Do you think the Queen ever gets out of bed and thinks, 'I just cant be arsed today?'"
"Don't forget to call the council!"
"Oooo shiny!"

On the whole, my Mini-Me tends to keep out of my way. She is there for emergencys only, though she does share her opinions quite frequently on various subjects. I think its because she gets bored. Sometimes, she likes to sing, though she doesn't know many words... variations of "la la la la" can be quite tedious!

Oh, she's pressing the "Tea" button... better go sort that out!

Insulted

2010-01-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

Today i have been more insulted and offended than i have ever been in my entire life.

Today i got accused of making up everything that had happened to me, that it was all a scheme.

I burst into tears to which i promptly got the response - "those tears won't work on me!"

Those tears were not for you.
Those tears were for all the pain i have endured because of the abuse i suffered as a child.
Those tears were for all the times i had self harmed because i have been unable to deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for the suicide attempts that i attempted becuase i could not deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for my family, and the pain that we have endured together because of the said abuse.
Those tears were for all the other people like me, who, for fear of recompence, do not report their abuse, and suffer in silence.
Those tears were for the fear i have inside me that people will judge me, and have done, and will continue to do so.
Those tears were real tears.

Do not DARE to suggest i would make something like this up. For this is not a life i would have chosen.

Thats all i have to say, for it is all i can say.

The Real Life Mrs Weasley

2010-01-19T03:36:00.000-08:00

My best friends mother is a star. As Drew aptly put it last night – she is the real life version of Mrs Weasley. If you’re hungry, she will feed you. If there is something you want, she will have it, and if she doesn’t she would get it for you...

So imagine my surprise when I turned up to collect the ‘couple’ of items I was told she had for me…

The contents of Jeans kitchen, is now in mine. I swear, the amount of stuff she gave me, I must have everything she owns for surely there wasn’t anything left over! There was a bin, a washing up bowl, a brand new iron, towels, glasses, cutlery, a fruit bowl, mugs, coffee and tea jars, a tray, lamp shades, a small round table to sit your drink on, a toilet brush, a toilet roll, a bar of soap (special soap because my skin is ‘funny’ haha bless her)… There were so many things she gave me I don’t actually know what there was for the bin is still full of items wrapped in newspaper I have yet to unpack. But the most surprising item? A plant. A random thing to offer I thought. Do you need this? How about that? Or this? Do you want a plant?

Um… sure?

So there were four of us to carry all these items to my flat from my friends house which is about a five minute walk. But not to Mrs Weasley… Apparently it’s a mile away! “Oh lordy you’ll never manage it!” God I love her haha =)

My brother could manage to lift the bin full of items with one hand but Mrs Weasley still insisted on taking some items out and dishing them out in bags to make them easier to carry. She loaded us all up with items, asking if I was coming for dinner tomorrow, then ushered us out the door.

If you could only have seen the sight of us… My friend had two bulging carrier bags full of breakables, my brothers girlfriend more breakables, my brother wrestling with the bin in one arm and brandishing the little table as a weapon in the other… and me? Under one arm I had a washing up bowl, and under the other, my new plant. Together, we looked like we had just pillaged the local village and left with everything except the electronics.

Off we toddled up to my flat, off loaded all the stuff, and laughed. I think I actually need a bigger kitchen I have so many items for it! It was a lovely evening though, and it’s made me realise just how wonderful people can be, and how generous people can be.

Thank you Mrs Weasley! Now every time I step into my kitchen I will think of my friend, and his wonderful family, and how lucky I am to have stayed friends with him for so long and how I hope to stay friends with him for many years to come.

Drew, you shall now be known as Ronald.

I have named my plant Ginny.

Busy Busy!

2010-01-18T02:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, so busy, I can’t believe it is Monday again already!

I have now officially signed the tenancy for my flat and have the keys! Woohoo! I’m a little annoyed at the moment though… as the keys were available from last Monday I have to start paying rent from then – even though I didn’t sign the tenancy agreement till Thursday, even though the gas wont be switched back on till this Thursday coming, even though I cant move in till the place has been heated up and aired out because its been empty for a few months… Grr! But oh well! I shall be writing a lovely letter to the council with my view and see what they say as it never hurts to try and get a discount or what not!

I still don’t have a cooker or a washing machine, but I’m not too worried. My cooking skills mostly rely on a microwave and a toaster, both of which I have been given so all shall be well! Failing that, once I move I’ll be five minutes away from a chip shop, five minutes away from a Chinese, five minutes from my best friends house and five minutes from my brothers house! I’ve already warned them I’ll be round every night with my tin of beans or what not, asking for it to be heated up please please thank you very much!

I cannot afford to buy carpets! At least, not at the moment. I’m still trying to figure out my budget and find out what I can and cannot afford which is really difficult to do when you are just estimating costs. I wont truly know what my outgoings will be till I move in and start using stuff and, well, living! Who needs carpets anyway? Polish the floorboards, beg a fancy rug off someone – simples! And fashionable too, apparently.

I still need to sort out a tv licence, apply for working tax credits, contact the water board, send in my council tax form… So many things to remember!

In other news, I have remade contact with my step-mother and father. Well, technically speaking, they made contact with me, at least, my step mother did. After a few heated text messages she wrote me a letter, which wasn’t what I was expecting at all. It was… nice. There wasn’t any animosity at all, it was just a nice, here’s what I’ve been doing, hope you’re okay kind of letter. So I replied with a here’s what I’ve been doing of my own, and I actually felt good for writing it, for making that contact with them. There is so much history between us, sometimes it’s hard to really know where I stand with them. I feel so awkward when I shouldn’t, I get anxious for no reason, it makes no sense to me. Hopefully I’ll be able to understand it and work through it with the therapy I am doing.

I came home last night to another letter from my step mother in response to the one I had wrote her. And another letter. From my dad. It was a congratulations on your new home card, and in my dads scruffy writing all it said inside was “all our love and best wishes, love dad and Anne.”

I cried. I cried harder than I have done for a while for that card meant so much to me. My dad had made an effort. My dad was thinking of me. My dad wanted me to know he was thinking of me.

I shall treasure that card and it will take pride of place in my new flat. Once I buy a shelf for it to sit on that is!

An Undecided Tiny Acorn

2010-01-13T03:03:00.000-08:00

Hurray the Writing Workshop has returned!

I looked at this weeks writing prompts and I honestly couldn’t decided which to do. So can I cheat and do a short contribution for all five? Yes? Goodie!

Hmm ok, what do I seem unable to learn or remember? Quite a few things! I am not best known for my memory skills! And now I’m trying to think really hard of an example of my poor memory and guess what…? Yep, I can’t remember any! =/

So moving on to number 2. What do I miss most? Well that one is easy – Ben. I miss Ben more than anything. I miss him so much I physically ache when I’m not with him. Corny that may sound, but it is so true. The distance between us is a curse. Long distance relationships suck – FACT!

Number 3 – What steps have you taken this year so far to make a dream reality? Well lots of things. As you may already know I am currently doing lots of things to try and make myself a happier person – the occupational therapy, the group therapy, getting my own place, tenancy support when I finally move in… ok, so maybe being a happy, more positive person isn’t necessarily a dream, but it is something I have longed for for such a long time. I just hope I’m not taking on too much at once – the last thing I need right now is to be overwhelmed by everything!

There is also Judiths Room! Since I was 12 it has been a dream of mine to write, so I am making a conscious effort to, well, make an effort! I hope I can find the support and feedback I need here to help me rebuild my confidence and improve my writing ability.

Making some really nice friends too would also be a bonus! =)

4 – What is outside your window? There are two ways at looking at this. One could describe the overgrown tree blocking the majority of my view, the well kept gardens of my neighbours, the randomly scattered toys of my dog in my own garden…

Or I could look further.

What is outside my window? I would say opportunity. Life. The future. Life is for living, to live you need to experience the world and everything out there, for who knows what you are missing, sitting in your warm house, leaning back on your comfy chair and staring out the window?

Last but not least, number 5 – Blog about your very own tiny acorn and the resulting mighty oak!

This is perhaps the most difficult for me to write, but I would say that my own tiny acorn was in fact me. The recent changes I am making are all an aid to help me grow into that mighty oak I know I can be, that happy, care free, confident, vivacious girl that I used to be. I guess I’m going full circle – I used to be that mighty oak, but the elements of life got in the way and I faded, lost my way, and a tiny acorn, I fell from the highest branches into the soft ground below, buried by dead leaves and greenery, hiding me from the light and denying me the chance to grow. But as all seeds do, I’m fighting back toward the light, tentatively reaching out with newborn arms, determined to find my way back toward the stars.

Stranger in the Night

2010-01-06T15:35:00.001-08:00

I can remember those nights
That you'd sneak into my room
You'd creep across the floor
And above my bed you would loom

I can remember the fear
As you would sit beside me
And under the bed clothes
Your hands would roam free

The smile on your face
Was the opposite of my fright
As you loomed above my bed
In the middle of the night

Nobody knew
What you were doing to me
When under the bed clothes
Your hands would roam free

I never udnerstood
That what you were doing was wrong
But now i know it was
I must try and be strong

I won't let you destroy me
I will remain sane and in health
But so that you know in the mean time
Keep your hands to yourself

A New Beginning

2010-01-05T03:17:00.000-08:00

As everyone seems to do at New Year, I have made a resolution that I hope I can keep. It is one I touched on before Christmas, about trying to be more positive, trying harder, being more confident, trying to be a better person etc.

It’s a New Year. It is time for a fresh start.

2009 was not a very good year for me. (Apart from the whole meeting Ben thing of course – because that has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.) But aside from meeting Ben, the rest of the year was pretty shitty for a whole bunch of various reasons. But I have taken steps to improve my life, and get the help that I have needed for a long while.

I have started seeing an Occupational Therapist, after a discussion with a mental health professional this seemed the best way forward for me. My anti depressant has been increased to the maximum dose, which although has stabilised my mood, I constantly feel sick which isn’t a nice side effect but ho hum. I have extra support at work from an outside company which has negotiated with my employer over my mental health to make sure that I am not taken advantage of or bullied or.. or anything else. I have the offer of my own tenancy with the council – my own space without all the stresses and arguments I’ve been having with my family. Though they are still taking their sweet time about it all as they still don’t have the keys and I’ve not even seen the place yet! Grrr! But when I do get to move in, I will have something called tenancy support which will be someone coming in once a week to help me with things like budgeting, learning to cook and general issues I may be having which will be a huge help to me.

But aside from all this support I have, the biggest thing is yet to come – and that starts this Friday. Because of my history, and the fact that I have never really dealt with it, I have signed up for a therapy group for survivors of sexual abuse. It is going to be a fortnightly session on a Friday morning and will last about an hour and a half or so. And I am starting to get really really anxious about the whole thing. I’m trying not to worry about it too much as I am trying to keep to my resolution to stop worrying so much and to think more positively – this therapy can only be a good thing for me surely?

It will help me no end to meet people who have been through what I have. To finally be able to communicate with people who understand all the thoughts inside my head without thinking I am a freak. To understand my guilt, my confusion, my fear… Admittedly, I know that this will be a hard journey for me to start, as dealing with my issues means facing them and reliving them – but I have my friends, I have Ben, and I know they will be there for me when I need them.

I am not afraid to face this anymore.

Trust

2009-12-22T03:45:00.000-08:00

How well do you ever really know someone? Is there such a thing as truly knowing everything there is too know about someone? Or is there always going to be things you worry about, things you are concerned about, things that they do that you are completely oblivious too…

Trust is such a complex thing. There are so many sides to it, with nooks and crannies that are always hiding in the background that you may not be fully aware of. Is it possible to trust someone completely? To believe they tell you everything, that you can tell them everything, that they will never hurt you or deceive you, they will always be there for you, that you could trust them with your life?

Do trust and faith go hand in hand? If you cannot trust someone completely, can you at least have a little faith that they will do all of the above? To not hurt you, to care for you, to believe in you always?

I have faith that the majority of people, are good people. I have faith that these good people will always do the right thing – I trust in this. But that doesn’t make me trust people as a whole.

Trust. Faith. They are things that I find hard to hold on too.

So complicated. Maybe its because I see life as a complex thing, in an array of colours not just your standard black and white ie You either trust someone, or you don’t.

It’s just not that simple.

Some quotes on trust:

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, i'm upset that from now on i can't believe you" - Friedrich Nietzsche

"You may be decieved if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." - Frank Crane

"The best proof of love is trust." - Dr Joyce Brothers

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." - T.S. Elliot

I Never Thought...

2009-12-21T07:16:00.001-08:00

I never thought I would fall in love.

I never thought I would fall in love as hard as I have.

I never thought that someone would fall in love with me.

I never thought that someone would love me, as much as I love them.

I have never been happier than I am now. Never before have I been made to feel as special and as loved as Ben makes me feel. He makes me feel important, like I matter, that what I say matters. He loves me for who I am.

This last weekend with him has been magical. Everything he did, everything he said made me feel adored. Just being close to him makes me smile and fills me with happiness. Just thinking of him does the same =)

I don’t think he realises how much he means to me. I tell him frequently, but perhaps I say it too much? When I am with him I just want to tell him I love him all the time, because I do, and I want to shout it from the rooftops. He deserves to know how special he makes me feel, how adored and loved I feel around him, and how he makes me happy and smile on a daily basis at the merest thought of him.

He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete.

And being apart from him is agonizing.

A New Perspective

2009-12-15T07:07:00.001-08:00

It’s Christmas. Yes, I know, sharp aren’t I? But it is that time of year when you sit back and analyse your life, your year, and you realise that things aren’t actually that bad.

I have been through some crap in my time. And I mean crap. Some crap that even those closest to me don’t know about. I have never had a need to divulge certain things, nor will I ever. There is just no need, it would accomplish nothing. Perhaps that’s why people don’t understand why my depression runs so deep, and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

But I digress…

Its Christmas. I want to express how thankful I am for who I am. And for me to be me, I must be thankful for the life that I have had, the experiences I have had, for they have shaped me, my opinions, my emotions… Me. And on the whole, I believe I am a nice person. I have my faults of course, doesn’t everyone? But overall, I think I am a decent human being.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I’m on anti-depressants, I’m in therapy, and I have seen a psychiatrist. But when I put things into perspective, what do I really have to worry about?

I am healthy. (More or less – nothing major to worry about anyways!).
I have a roof over my head.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I have friends.
I am loved.
I am IN love.
But most importantly…

I am alive.

A colleague at work had some bad news this week. His 26 year old cousin has died of a heart attack. She has left behind a husband and 3 young children, one of which is severely disabled.

26. I am 26.

Death can hit us at any time. And for this very reason, I have decided that I need to focus more on the good things in my life, rather than worry and stress about all the problems in my life. Think of all the things I am missing out on because of my anxiety? Why should I worry all the time about what people think of me, or what they will say if I do a certain thing? What does it matter to them? And why is it so important to me? It makes no sense.

I’m going to focus on the future. I’m going to live for the now. I’m going to live for me.

Moving On

2009-12-15T03:08:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG I had some really good news this morning!

I have been on the council waiting list for a while but this morning I had a phone call from them and they have offered me to go and look at a flat! YAY!

Ok, so you might be thinking “wow, council flat woohoo aiming high…” but this to me will be such a huge and positive change. In my current situation there is just no way I could afford to rent somewhere privately, or even try and secure a mortgage for my own place. The council route was really my own affordable option.

I have to go and look at the place first before I can properly state that I want it, but if the flat is suitable, my answer will be an excitable whoppingly fat YES! The location couldn’t be better – it’s a five minute walk from my brothers’ place and a five minute walk to my best friends’ house, smack bang in the middle between the two. It’s still on the bus route to work and to the train station for when I go see Ben and it’s in an area I grew up in so I’m familiar with the surroundings. They won’t get the keys till the end of this week, early next week so I won’t know for definite what’s going on till probably after Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, but living with her has in itself created problems. I won’t go into them all here, but lets just say me moving out will help to heal our fractured relationship. Besides, I’m sure she wants her own space and independence too, she’ll probably be glad to see the back of me!

If this happens and I get to move in to the new flat, already I can see a brighter future for me.

Tis the season...

2009-12-14T05:13:00.000-08:00

To be jolly? *sigh* I need a sharp drink of the Christmas spirit. I'm just stressing about the whole occasion!

My last three Christmasses have been awful. And i mean awful. There has been fights there has been tears... Far too many tears. I just want this year to be different.

But i fear it wont.

I will be alone on Christmas day. Well, i think my mum will be home but i think she is going to her brothers for dinner. So just like last year, i shall be alone, sitting in front of the telly watching endless repeats i have seen countless times before. Last year i went to bed at 7.30pm. I so want this year to be different.

On a plus, at least the decorations have been put up more than two days before Christmas day! Progress!

I wont be seeing Ben till the 27th. Which sucks so much. Being around him completes me, and i just feel lost and broken when we are apart. It won't feel like Christmas without him by my side.

I haven't spoken to my father since February. Not because we have had a huge falling out or anything, we just haven't spoke. Our relationship has always been a little awkward. I think he doesn't love me and hates me as a daughter - he thinks i hate him and dont want him to be my father. Which couldnt' be further from the truth. All i have ever wanted is for him to be my father, to act like my father, and to show that he loves me. It takes two to tango but i always feel i have been dancing alone... all he had to do was pick up the phone. Just once. Say hi, ask how i am. Show an interest. I just want my daddy to love me for who i am.

I would love nothing more for him to phone me on Christmas day and wish me seasonal greetings. I don't know if i am strong enough to make the effort this time. He needs to make the move this time around. I just can't do it anymore.

And i still have only brought one preasant! OMG why have i left things so late! I can't afford anything i dont have the time to go shopping and i dont know what to buy and im sooooo stressed!

Why do i do this to myself!? Why do i get so stressed and worry about everything!? Christmas should be fun, stress free. Happy. A time for family.

*sigh*

I depress myself. Meh! =/

Mmm...

2009-12-09T01:41:00.000-08:00

Its Wednesday again and I have once more participated in Josies’ Writing Workshop. This week I chose prompt 1 as I remembered a poem that I wrote a while back that perfectly fit the topic of “what is your addiction?”.

The Writing Workshop can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/12/07/writing-workshop-8-addictions-and-epiphanies/

My entry can be found below!

Mmm…

I dream of the wonders of the sugary delight
Resist I might but I cannot fight
Giving in to temptation I over indulge
Enjoying every crumb, ignoring my bulge

Lots of sugar to feed my addiction
“You’ll only ruin your complexion!”
But with Dairy Milk and Jelly Tots
Who cares if I get lots of spots?

Embracing my desire for that sugar rush
“Don’t eat that! You eat too much!”
“Keep eating this way you’ll get really fat!”
Ah, shut up, hand me that chocolate!

Like Britney Spears I sing ‘Gimmie more!’
Yearning for treats that I adore
For who cares about E-Numbers, I don’t count the calorie
My world is complete with just chocolate and me!

Realisation

2009-12-02T04:21:00.000-08:00

I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/30/writing-workshop-7-claims-to-fame-and-guilty-pleasures/

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.

What Not To Do When Being Burgled...

2009-11-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

If you realised you had a burglar in your house, what would you do? Call the police? Turn a light on? Make some noise to alert the criminals to your presence? Send the dog downstairs to scare them off? Shake fearfully under your duvet and hope they go away? I'm sure any sensible person would have done one of the above.

So what did i do when last night i realised there were strangers in the house? Yep, you guessed it - none of the above. Stupidly i did the following...

I realised they were in the kitchen, which is right underneath my bedroom. So i opened my window, leaned out as far as i could so they would be able to hear me and shouted:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BUNCH OF SCABROTS BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!"

Yes, i used the word scabrot. What does that even mean!?

Surprisingly, i didn't get stabbed, or shot, or have anything stolen. The two teenagers that entered my house seemed to notice the anger in my voice and scurried off as quickly as they could, heaving themselves back out the kitchen window and stumbling and tripping over the mines in the garden that are Riley's squeaky toys. It was actually quite a comical getaway.

Shortly after the teenage crooks left the premises my adrenaline began to wear off, and the cough that has tortured me for the last God knows how long began to kick in. And i mean kick. I was coughing so much that i could hardly breathe, and that is a very frightening feeling. I began to panic. I tried using the inhaler that ive been given by my doctor but i was all fumbly and couldn't hold the silly thing in my shaking hands, never mind attempt to actually use it. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, my hole body was shaking and i'm still desperately trying to catch my breath.

Ten minutes later when my panic attack stops and i have managed to calm myself down, i use the inhaler, have a glass of water, and go back to bed. At this point, i am exhausted. Panic attacks always wear me down, they litterally drain the life out of me. Thankfully i don't have them as much as i used to do!

So there i was, lying in my bed all warm and comfy and then it hits me - i nearly got burgled. I am all alone. There were strangers in my house. I am all alone. Anything could have happened. I am all alone...

Roll on panic attack number two.

Needless to say it has been a very long night. When i got out of bed this morning at half past eight all i could manage to do was crawl to the bathroom and throw up. Curse these nerves of mine! At least now i am calmer and can focus properly on the day ahead. I have gone through the motions of adrenaline, realisation, fear, guilt, and now i'm just angry. Bastards in my house, how dare they! Little shits will get a good kick up the arse if i see them near this house again!

*shakes fist with vigour*

Day 1 in the Mighty Maggots House...

2009-11-27T05:33:00.000-08:00

(Mighty Maggot is my mums nickname for those who dont know!)

So cooking was a disaster. I figured id just attempt cooking meat on its own being as though I’m not a confident cook, so my first project was sausages. They seemed to come out rather well, they looked as though they were cooked perfectly, and looked all nice and yummy on the inside too. But when I bit into it it was cold and squidgey and bleh. A little under cooked me thinks. So I fed the bin instead. Attempt two of my evening came in the form of a pork chop steak-type-thingy. I even managed to get that wrong – seems I overcompensated on the cooking time after my failed sausages and over cooked it so it was rubbery and chewy and… beans on toast tonight I think!

On a more positive note, I didn’t burn down the house! Celebrations!

I spent the evening lazing around for the most part. I had a bath, even though i had already showered that morning. I washed up, cleaned the kitchen, then spent the rest of the evening vegged out in front of the TV, something i never do. I watched the Star Trek movie which i had borrowed from Darren at work and was surprised that i actually liked it. I'm quite concerned that i may turn into a trekkie and be mocked by my family for the rest of my days. Though thats probably just becuase i thought James Kirk was cute haha, so i think i'm probably safe. Do you know what was the best part of my night? Being able to walk around the house naked. Yes, you heard me: naked. The blinds and curtains were of course closed, but it was just that extra bit of freedom to be able to do what i wanted, when i wanted. Damn it i want my own house and i want it now! *stomps feet*

My trip to the doctor ended up costing me another £12 or so. Seems he thinks I may have mild asthma, curse my gene pool! *shakes fist* So I have been given an inhaler to use as and when necessary, and a peak flow meter which I need to use to record my breathing output morning and night. Apparently the average reading for a healthy person is around 450 – 500. My reading last night was 340 and the one this morning barely touched 250. I’m guessing that’s bad haha.

On the brighter side, my results came back from my Visual Evoked test and everything seems normal. So after all the testing I’ve had recently, my neurologists conclusion is and I quote “there doesn’t appear to be anything to worry about”. Which is all well and good and a huge relief off my mind after all the scare stories of tumours strokes and MS I had been told. But it still doesn’t explain why I randomly get pins and needles down the one side, why I get random numbness in my arm, hands and feet, why my arm randomly aches and feels like it is too heavy to lift, why I get headaches, blurred vision, feel dizzy and feint, tremors… But apparently its nothing to worry about!

However I may have found an explanation, at least for some of my symptoms. I have been reading a book recently on my PCOS and it turns out a lot of the things going wrong with me at the moment could all be down to that. Certainly fainting and dizziness, my chronic fatigue, and the random joint pain can be explained this way. The blurred vision can be linked with my lack of sleep, as can the tremors as my body is being overworked so the shaking is a sign of stress. Apparently. Pins and needles and the numbness could just mean I have poor circulation, which would also explain why I’m always so bloody cold! Majority of the above symptoms could also be explained with the reasoning of stress, or from the side effects of the many pills I am currently taking. So I guess its just another reason to try and get my PCOS under control.

Random thoughts to leave you with:

Why do old ladies always wear shoes that are too big for them?
Why are chocolate buttons called ‘buttons’? They aren’t buttons, they’re just circles!
Does the earth on Mars taste like Mars bars?
Does the man on the moon ever get lonely?
Why is a cup of tea called a cup of tea? Lets get real here, its just flavoured water! “I’d like a cup of hot water with some milk and sugar and a scare of a tea bag please!” Hmm guess it doesn’t quote roll off the tongue…

Home Alone

2009-11-26T05:20:00.000-08:00

I hate public transport. It is just so unreliable. I spent 45 minutes this morning standing in the freezing cold because of buses leaving early. I have to catch 2 buses to work and if one leaves early, I can usually just about make it into town to catch the second one if I run. (Thank God the station is downhill!) But if that one leaves early… meh. Needless to say, today, one is not amused.

I am off to the doctors this afternoon. I have had a cough for quite a while now and both mum and Ben have been on to me to get it checked out. So I am. I only seem to cough last thing at night and first thing in the morning but it is really annoying! It’s a dry cough, but it sounds chesty. Mum thinks I may be allergic to the dog, my friend online thinks it sounds like asthma, and I just thought it was an annoying cough that would never go away haha. Might mention a few other things to the doctor… though to be honest I’m sick of seeing him in recent months and im guessing the feeling is mutual.

My mum has jetted off to Lanzarote for the week so I am left at home to look after the dog… and fend for myself. Last time I cooked for myself I gave myself food poisoning, so I’m a little apprehensive! The length of my culinary skills stretches to beans on toast. I am a huge lover of the microwave! But you know, im 26, I really should learn to cook properly. How I managed to survive 18 months living in Holland I’ll never know! Maybe I dreamt the whole thing? Perhaps I was in a coma or something and didn’t know? Hmm… something I shall discuss with Drew!

I’m feeling a little brave though. I may actually cook something properly today. I think perhaps a nice chicken breast (though it will have to be fried as our oven doesn’t work) with some mushrooms and erm.. mashed potatoes perhaps. I think I could probably manage that without too much risk of setting the house on fire. Don’t think mum would be very appreciative of that…

“Kelly, I’m home!! … um, where is the house!?”

Might solve my current housing issues though! Ooo planage! :O

Bullies on the Bus

2009-11-25T03:02:00.000-08:00

You would think that age 26 I would be free from bullies, that bullying is something that only happens at school and such. Alas not. I dread going out in public, I have for quite a while. At least, I do during the day as I cannot hide in the light. For you see, I suffer from a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short) and because of this I have various symptoms that bullies relish in. I have really bad acne due to the hormone imbalance caused by my PCOS, but because of my sensitive skin I rarely wear make-up as this only irritates me and makes my acne worse. I have various other symptoms too, some which are too embarrassing to write about here. But the bullies notice. They notice every single thing that bothers me about my condition, and the name calling begins. I always try and hide when I’m on the bus, sit amongst the elderly as the name calling isn’t as bad then, or have my coat hood up and slouch and just pretend not to hear the hurtful words directed my way. I have always had really long hair and so I always wear it long and loose, another way to try and hide my face from show. My social life has suffered severely because of bullying. My self-confidence has dwindled too. I hate looking in the mirror, for I don’t see the pretty face I’m told I have, or the beautiful smile that I always get complimented on, or the eyes that people assure me are alluring and expressive. I see the greasy hair, the dry and flaky skin, the itchy acne, the painful boil-type lumps under my skin, the facial hair that only men should have… I don’t like being me.

Josie's writing workshop

2009-11-18T10:28:00.001-08:00

A blog recently recommended to me by my closest friend does a weekly writing workshop, so this week i figured i would take up the challenge.

The initial post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/16/writing-prompts-5-were-back-in-business-baby/

And my offering, can be found here! I opted for option 5, "write about a deep, dark fear" and here is what i ended up with. The conclusion quite suprised me. I thought my deepest fear was something else, but alas not...

Fear

I am covered in scars
Each one has a meaning
Scars that refuse to heal
I am emotionally bleeding
My heart is a jigsaw
Many peices, broken
Stuck together, fragile
Due to actions left unspoken
I need the glue to fix me
I cannot break again
I will not be the fool
I will not take the pain
I beg you not to hurt me
I beg you to hold me dear
For loosing you would finish me
And that's my biggest fear

Awakening

2009-11-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

I was reading through my book of poems that ive wrote, and at the time of writing, the below poem was something i only dreamt i would one day feel, needless to say, i have reached that point in my life, and so i thought i would share this with you.

Awakening

Whispered promises by candle light
Slowly awakening my appetite
Concupisence, your touch refined
Endorsing pleasures once denied
Satin kisses on velvet skin
Fueling fire felt deep within
Arousing senses that once were numb
I feel i'm falling i must succumb
Consumed with emotions only you inspire
Screaming out with rapt desire
Returning life to my tortured soul
Our bodies join, at last i'm whole.

What will they do next!?

2009-11-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

I like to regularly trawl through random news papers, and i am constantly amazed at the stupidity and rediculous-ness of some people! I honestly believe the world is going mad.

Once again due to the wonderful thing that is H&S (Health and Safety to most people, 'Heap of Shit' to me), the government has spent an unreasonable ammount of money to produce a 93 page document to teach police officers how to... ride a bike. Yes, you read that correctly. Ride a bike. Because apparently our parents don't teach us how to do this anymore *sigh*, the document will teach them how to balance correctly, how to turn, and how to avoid curbs.

OMG. That's all i can say.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1227122/Police-93-page-guide-ride-bike.html

Random introductory facts

2009-11-11T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hi there! My name is Kelly, though i get called many things as people seem to struggle with this name. The sandwich lady who visits my work premises at lunch time has been calling me Hayley for the last 18 months =/

I have a tendency to over use lol, haha and hehe, as well as ^^ :O and =)

I have a strange obsession with Spongebob Squarepants and get quite annoyed when my boyfriend doesnt wake me up on a Sunday morning to watch it! I even bought myself a mug and coaster set with Spongebob on, but i dont have the heart to use them in case i ruin them haha... which is rather silly really being as though they only set me back £1.99 =/

I can stick my big toe up at a 90 degree angle, which both my brother and boyfriend find really annoying, and somewhat freaky. but hey, everyone needs a party trick right?

I feel things very deeply. I hurt deeply, i love deeply. I'm a very emotional person, i guess you could say i'm too emotional sometimes, but hey ho, thats just who i am.

I like to write. Obviously, thats why i'm here. Doesn't mean i'm very good at it, or that i write as often as i should lol. Maybe with a little motivation (or a chocolate bar dangling off a stick in front of me to keep me at the computer), i may actually write something with a bit of, i don't know, umph? Something with meat, something... interesting.

I have a tendancy to ramble... so before i do, i'm going to go make myself a cup of tea, grab the last of the custard creams out the cupboad, and sit down for half hour before tucking in for an early night.