Ummming and Arrring

I'm not doing so well at the moment. Life has gotten to me. So, to try and give me a distraction, an online friend has given me an idea!

In short, he suggested that i set up another blog, seperate from this one, and write there. More specifically, i should write about a certain character, and be consistent with their story. Kind of like an online novel i suppose.

It all came about because i was moaning that i didnt feel very creative, and those people that read my blog only see me moan about how im currently feeling. He advised by having the two different blogs, i can be creative on one yet still be able to express myself freely on the other.

So i decided what the hell! I'll do it!

But now i can't decide which character to write about. The novel that i mentioned i had started writing when i was sixteen is sitting wide open in front of me and there are so many delicious characters i could choose from! In the planning stage of my novel, i had planned to write three of four books, all centering about a different character... But which should i do first!?

Tough decisions!

As the main story was about Pheonix, i'm going to ignore him for now. He already has his story planned, and it wouldn't fit what i'm trying to do here.

I'm thinking about writing about my hapless mage, i think he could be quite comical, to write about his spells going wrong and all the disasters he causes because of it.

Or Jenta, the queen who isn't a queen - (all explained in the first novel - dont worry it makes sense to me!)

Or Luanda, my wholesome priest. Hmmm, perhaps a little boring as a solo character for this idea.

Or Tulani, the last of his race, his heritage extending all the way back as far as documented, a fountain of knowledge of the world and psychic extrodinaire.

Hmm.

Perhaps a new character? Haha =/

Reaching Out

Its that time again! Sleep is for the Weak has once more posted a weekly writing workshop and here is my effort! I chose prompt 5.

I'm not afriad anymore. Well, i am. I am absolutely petrified. But i cannot go on the way i have been.

For those who read my blog you will know 2 things: a, its very depressing to read haha, and b, im making an awful lot of changes right now.

You see, I was abused as a child. I have tried to deal with it previously, but i never seemed ready. Or i was too scared. I have seen three counsellors in the past, and i just couldnt connect to any of them. I felt like i was being judged every time. I didn't feel comfortable.

And for me thats a huge thing - needing to feel comfortable, to feel safe. It was a family member who abused me. Both my parents knew what he was like and still let him into our home. I have a lot of anger inside me, anger i am too afraid to show.

It has took me 16 years to get to where i am now. Still a mess, but stumbling along through life, trying to keep my head above water. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes and a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I want to be the happy girl i used to be as a child, the confident little madam who was afraid of nothing, energetic, outgoing...

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

It's time for me to reach out.

A Little Understanding

When I first started writing this blog it was never with the intention of writing about my childhood experiences. Sure, I knew it would come up at some point, but I never suspected that it would be my main focus.

It’s a little annoying to be honest. I mean, I have always enjoyed writing, and despite what I write on this blog, my miserable life experiences are not the only thing I write about.

I love poetry – not reading it, just writing it. I’m not exactly talented at it, but it’s a way for me to be creative, to express myself. Ok, so the majority of my poetry is dark and negative, but there is the odd piece that has a glimmer of hope and a dream of a better life. I love writing short stories – admittedly, I haven’t written one for a while, but I wrote a fair few not that long ago.

And my novel… ah my blasted novel. What to do, what to do! Its been sitting on my shelf (well, now its packed in a box) for about 10 years or so now, untouched and unloved. I planned and planned that story so much that I don’t actually know what’s going on in it anymore. I had that many ideas for it I couldn’t actually decide on the final plotline. I wrote the prologue and the first two chapters, I had created my own language for it, planned each individual character, created a whole world for all the action to take place, planned historical events that would help shape the future of my world, designed the law and the whole political structure… I think too much planning put me off. Its as though I had already wrote the story in my head that it was too much effort to put it down on paper.

If any of you would like to read my poor attempt so far you can find the prologue over at Judiths Room!

I am confused by a lot of things at the moment. My writing is the only way that I can work through certain things as I struggle to express myself vocally. I have had a few people comment to me recently that they are surprised by my honesty on my blog, that I share so freely some of the things that I have experienced where most people wouldn’t. Well this is where i am at the moment. This is what i need to do. I don't write everything here, some things just don't need to be said, or are things that i myself find too hard to mention.

There is so much more that i could share with you. But for now, I shall leave you with this:

This is me
And all my generosity
This is me
And all of my monstrosities

This is me
Laid bare before your eyes
This is me
I wear no disguise

This is me
Naked to the core
This is me
I cannot give you more