Light at the end of the Tunnel

So much for my post about no more excuses. I am so terribly lazy when it comes to self motivation. Though in my defence, the last two months have been rather eventful. It has been the anniversary of a couple of very bad memories for me, along with loosing my job, and managing to get myself pregnant.

Its not been all bad though. Me and Ben have now been officially together for a year, and apart from the whole pregnancy thing throwing a spanner in the works, things between us have been running rather smoothly. We have started talking about moving in together, which for both of us will be a huge step.

My group therapy is also coming to an end this week, and that i can assure you has been a tough journey. I have always felt that i was such a complex person because i had so many conflicting emotions about various things, and things i felt that just made no sense. But now i fully understand a lot of my emotions, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good or a bad thing. Whilst the therapy will soon be over, i still have a way to go before my head is in a place where i feel is safe. But i feel that journey will be easier now, especially with all the support i have around me.

It's when you go through tough times you realise who your true friends are, and even which family members truly love you and will be there for you. And for the most part, i really couldn't have asked for more. I have so much love around me that i never really saw before, and when i take the time to actually look around, i can see it. And i can't believe how i missed it before. Maybe the black cloud above me is finally disappearing, allowing me to see the brightness of the world that i could never see before. Who knew the world was so full of colour, so full of energy and full of dreams.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if only my eyes hadn't been so closed, i would have seen it sooner.

Realisation

I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/30/writing-workshop-7-claims-to-fame-and-guilty-pleasures/

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.