Flashback Ramblings

Today I am feeling vulnerable. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the meeting I have at work this afternoon? Or the travelling I will be doing this evening and being around people? Or that I am feeling drained from my lack of sleep? Though I am pretty sure it’s because of the flashback I had last night.

It’s strange, to suddenly see something that had been blocked for so long. It kind of just hits you, like a big whopping smack in the face. You take a step back… Did you really just see what you think you did? Remember what you think you did? Is it real? Did it really happen?

When it’s been blocked for so long, that flashback is like its happening for the first time. At least, in the first instant. Now I have had time to process it, I feel… actually I’m not quite sure how I am feeling. Except vulnerable. And on edge. At least it means that I am starting to deal with things and accept them. By remembering previous events it means I am opening up, and starting to come to terms with my past.

My head is fuzzy today. The Mini-Me I spoke of yesterday keeps hitting the chocolate button, the tea button, the hugs button… and shes damn well jumping up and down on the Ben button.

I need him. I need him like I’ve never needed him before. And I think that is only adding to my vulnerability right now. The nature of my flashback last night… I’m a little scared about having contact with Ben… not because I’m scared of the contact, but because I’m scared the contact will be a trigger for a panic attack, or another flashback.

Sometimes I wish I had never started this journey. Sometimes I think I was coping better with everything being locked away and just being a quiet, sad girl who liked to keep to herself. But there comes a stage in your life when you realise there is just so much more out there. I’m never going to see the world locked away in my room and hiding from everyone. I’m never going to live a life if I’m too consumed with my emotions to be able see the things passing before me.

To be able to deal with all the thoughts going on in my head I need to take a closer look at them. I need to be able to understand them. Then I can take steps to move past them.

It’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I had gotten myself into a position where I would be strong enough to cope with the things inside my head, strong enough to tackle them. I guess I was for the things I could remember… but these flashbacks are a whole new ball game, one of which I was not prepared for.

I’m anxious. I’m scared. I’m damn well petrified. What else have I buried so deep in my psyche that I can’t recall? Are these other banished memories going to jump out at me too?

I’m trying to keep a clear head, but I am struggling. My coping mechanisms are not exactly healthy ones, and I do not want to go back to being that way, to doing… that. But God it helped and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to vent my anger, I don’t know how to vent my frustration, I don’t know how to express myself.

And so I need Ben. I am safe when I am with Ben. Ben transports me to a place that I can only describe as heaven, for that little world we are in when we are together is just, well, heavenly. Its like the whole world doesn’t exist anymore – it is just us. I don’t have to worry about the real world, my problems, my stresses. I don’t have to worry about trying to keep a brave face on for the world, trying to be happy when I’m clearly not.

For Ben sees me. Really sees me. And he understands. And he accepts me for who I am and has never once tried to change me.

Kelly HQ

Hurrah to Josie and the Writing Workshop! As always, the link can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2010/01/28/writing-workshop-what-if/

I have chosen prompt 3 "What have the voices in your head been saying lately?". However, i haven't exactly stuck to the prompt...

The voice in my head isn't a voice - it is a person. It is a Mini-Me. She has a huge room where she sits all day in a big comfy high backed leather chair, pressing buttons as and when necessary on her over sized control panel, peering out the large windows that are my eyes to see what is going on. She leads a quiet life, pouring over books that i only assume are written accounts of my memories as she seems to keep them in big, over stuffed cabinets at the back of her room. Perhaps that's why my memory is so bad - she needs to do some spring cleaning!

I am quite a simple individual. My Mini-Me only needs a few buttons to press to keep me going and in check - namely "Chocolate", "Hugs," "Tea" and a fairly recent addition, "Ben". Once these emergency buttons have been pressed there is a constant alarm that rings in my head and until these needs have been fulfilled, the alarm resonates throughout my head and i cannot function properly.

Whenever my Mini-Me has an opinion on something, she will lean over to her desk and press the intercom. Recent things my Mini-Me has said:

"Get out of bed you lazy cow!"
"I can't believe you did that!"
"Hahaha you're a moron."
"They're just going to laugh at you."
"Can you not hear the Chocolate alarm!?"
"Do you think the Queen ever gets out of bed and thinks, 'I just cant be arsed today?'"
"Don't forget to call the council!"
"Oooo shiny!"

On the whole, my Mini-Me tends to keep out of my way. She is there for emergencys only, though she does share her opinions quite frequently on various subjects. I think its because she gets bored. Sometimes, she likes to sing, though she doesn't know many words... variations of "la la la la" can be quite tedious!

Oh, she's pressing the "Tea" button... better go sort that out!

Insulted

Today i have been more insulted and offended than i have ever been in my entire life.

Today i got accused of making up everything that had happened to me, that it was all a scheme.

I burst into tears to which i promptly got the response - "those tears won't work on me!"

Those tears were not for you.
Those tears were for all the pain i have endured because of the abuse i suffered as a child.
Those tears were for all the times i had self harmed because i have been unable to deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for the suicide attempts that i attempted becuase i could not deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for my family, and the pain that we have endured together because of the said abuse.
Those tears were for all the other people like me, who, for fear of recompence, do not report their abuse, and suffer in silence.
Those tears were for the fear i have inside me that people will judge me, and have done, and will continue to do so.
Those tears were real tears.

Do not DARE to suggest i would make something like this up. For this is not a life i would have chosen.

Thats all i have to say, for it is all i can say.

The Real Life Mrs Weasley

My best friends mother is a star. As Drew aptly put it last night – she is the real life version of Mrs Weasley. If you’re hungry, she will feed you. If there is something you want, she will have it, and if she doesn’t she would get it for you...

So imagine my surprise when I turned up to collect the ‘couple’ of items I was told she had for me…

The contents of Jeans kitchen, is now in mine. I swear, the amount of stuff she gave me, I must have everything she owns for surely there wasn’t anything left over! There was a bin, a washing up bowl, a brand new iron, towels, glasses, cutlery, a fruit bowl, mugs, coffee and tea jars, a tray, lamp shades, a small round table to sit your drink on, a toilet brush, a toilet roll, a bar of soap (special soap because my skin is ‘funny’ haha bless her)… There were so many things she gave me I don’t actually know what there was for the bin is still full of items wrapped in newspaper I have yet to unpack. But the most surprising item? A plant. A random thing to offer I thought. Do you need this? How about that? Or this? Do you want a plant?

Um… sure?

So there were four of us to carry all these items to my flat from my friends house which is about a five minute walk. But not to Mrs Weasley… Apparently it’s a mile away! “Oh lordy you’ll never manage it!” God I love her haha =)

My brother could manage to lift the bin full of items with one hand but Mrs Weasley still insisted on taking some items out and dishing them out in bags to make them easier to carry. She loaded us all up with items, asking if I was coming for dinner tomorrow, then ushered us out the door.

If you could only have seen the sight of us… My friend had two bulging carrier bags full of breakables, my brothers girlfriend more breakables, my brother wrestling with the bin in one arm and brandishing the little table as a weapon in the other… and me? Under one arm I had a washing up bowl, and under the other, my new plant. Together, we looked like we had just pillaged the local village and left with everything except the electronics.

Off we toddled up to my flat, off loaded all the stuff, and laughed. I think I actually need a bigger kitchen I have so many items for it! It was a lovely evening though, and it’s made me realise just how wonderful people can be, and how generous people can be.

Thank you Mrs Weasley! Now every time I step into my kitchen I will think of my friend, and his wonderful family, and how lucky I am to have stayed friends with him for so long and how I hope to stay friends with him for many years to come.

Drew, you shall now be known as Ronald.

I have named my plant Ginny.

Busy Busy!

Wow, so busy, I can’t believe it is Monday again already!

I have now officially signed the tenancy for my flat and have the keys! Woohoo! I’m a little annoyed at the moment though… as the keys were available from last Monday I have to start paying rent from then – even though I didn’t sign the tenancy agreement till Thursday, even though the gas wont be switched back on till this Thursday coming, even though I cant move in till the place has been heated up and aired out because its been empty for a few months… Grr! But oh well! I shall be writing a lovely letter to the council with my view and see what they say as it never hurts to try and get a discount or what not!

I still don’t have a cooker or a washing machine, but I’m not too worried. My cooking skills mostly rely on a microwave and a toaster, both of which I have been given so all shall be well! Failing that, once I move I’ll be five minutes away from a chip shop, five minutes away from a Chinese, five minutes from my best friends house and five minutes from my brothers house! I’ve already warned them I’ll be round every night with my tin of beans or what not, asking for it to be heated up please please thank you very much!

I cannot afford to buy carpets! At least, not at the moment. I’m still trying to figure out my budget and find out what I can and cannot afford which is really difficult to do when you are just estimating costs. I wont truly know what my outgoings will be till I move in and start using stuff and, well, living! Who needs carpets anyway? Polish the floorboards, beg a fancy rug off someone – simples! And fashionable too, apparently.

I still need to sort out a tv licence, apply for working tax credits, contact the water board, send in my council tax form… So many things to remember!

In other news, I have remade contact with my step-mother and father. Well, technically speaking, they made contact with me, at least, my step mother did. After a few heated text messages she wrote me a letter, which wasn’t what I was expecting at all. It was… nice. There wasn’t any animosity at all, it was just a nice, here’s what I’ve been doing, hope you’re okay kind of letter. So I replied with a here’s what I’ve been doing of my own, and I actually felt good for writing it, for making that contact with them. There is so much history between us, sometimes it’s hard to really know where I stand with them. I feel so awkward when I shouldn’t, I get anxious for no reason, it makes no sense to me. Hopefully I’ll be able to understand it and work through it with the therapy I am doing.

I came home last night to another letter from my step mother in response to the one I had wrote her. And another letter. From my dad. It was a congratulations on your new home card, and in my dads scruffy writing all it said inside was “all our love and best wishes, love dad and Anne.”

I cried. I cried harder than I have done for a while for that card meant so much to me. My dad had made an effort. My dad was thinking of me. My dad wanted me to know he was thinking of me.

I shall treasure that card and it will take pride of place in my new flat. Once I buy a shelf for it to sit on that is!

An Undecided Tiny Acorn

Hurray the Writing Workshop has returned!

I looked at this weeks writing prompts and I honestly couldn’t decided which to do. So can I cheat and do a short contribution for all five? Yes? Goodie!

Hmm ok, what do I seem unable to learn or remember? Quite a few things! I am not best known for my memory skills! And now I’m trying to think really hard of an example of my poor memory and guess what…? Yep, I can’t remember any! =/

So moving on to number 2. What do I miss most? Well that one is easy – Ben. I miss Ben more than anything. I miss him so much I physically ache when I’m not with him. Corny that may sound, but it is so true. The distance between us is a curse. Long distance relationships suck – FACT!

Number 3 – What steps have you taken this year so far to make a dream reality? Well lots of things. As you may already know I am currently doing lots of things to try and make myself a happier person – the occupational therapy, the group therapy, getting my own place, tenancy support when I finally move in… ok, so maybe being a happy, more positive person isn’t necessarily a dream, but it is something I have longed for for such a long time. I just hope I’m not taking on too much at once – the last thing I need right now is to be overwhelmed by everything!

There is also Judiths Room! Since I was 12 it has been a dream of mine to write, so I am making a conscious effort to, well, make an effort! I hope I can find the support and feedback I need here to help me rebuild my confidence and improve my writing ability.

Making some really nice friends too would also be a bonus! =)

4 – What is outside your window? There are two ways at looking at this. One could describe the overgrown tree blocking the majority of my view, the well kept gardens of my neighbours, the randomly scattered toys of my dog in my own garden…

Or I could look further.

What is outside my window? I would say opportunity. Life. The future. Life is for living, to live you need to experience the world and everything out there, for who knows what you are missing, sitting in your warm house, leaning back on your comfy chair and staring out the window?

Last but not least, number 5 – Blog about your very own tiny acorn and the resulting mighty oak!

This is perhaps the most difficult for me to write, but I would say that my own tiny acorn was in fact me. The recent changes I am making are all an aid to help me grow into that mighty oak I know I can be, that happy, care free, confident, vivacious girl that I used to be. I guess I’m going full circle – I used to be that mighty oak, but the elements of life got in the way and I faded, lost my way, and a tiny acorn, I fell from the highest branches into the soft ground below, buried by dead leaves and greenery, hiding me from the light and denying me the chance to grow. But as all seeds do, I’m fighting back toward the light, tentatively reaching out with newborn arms, determined to find my way back toward the stars.

Stranger in the Night

I can remember those nights
That you'd sneak into my room
You'd creep across the floor
And above my bed you would loom

I can remember the fear
As you would sit beside me
And under the bed clothes
Your hands would roam free

The smile on your face
Was the opposite of my fright
As you loomed above my bed
In the middle of the night

Nobody knew
What you were doing to me
When under the bed clothes
Your hands would roam free

I never udnerstood
That what you were doing was wrong
But now i know it was
I must try and be strong

I won't let you destroy me
I will remain sane and in health
But so that you know in the mean time
Keep your hands to yourself

A New Beginning

As everyone seems to do at New Year, I have made a resolution that I hope I can keep. It is one I touched on before Christmas, about trying to be more positive, trying harder, being more confident, trying to be a better person etc.

It’s a New Year. It is time for a fresh start.

2009 was not a very good year for me. (Apart from the whole meeting Ben thing of course – because that has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.) But aside from meeting Ben, the rest of the year was pretty shitty for a whole bunch of various reasons. But I have taken steps to improve my life, and get the help that I have needed for a long while.

I have started seeing an Occupational Therapist, after a discussion with a mental health professional this seemed the best way forward for me. My anti depressant has been increased to the maximum dose, which although has stabilised my mood, I constantly feel sick which isn’t a nice side effect but ho hum. I have extra support at work from an outside company which has negotiated with my employer over my mental health to make sure that I am not taken advantage of or bullied or.. or anything else. I have the offer of my own tenancy with the council – my own space without all the stresses and arguments I’ve been having with my family. Though they are still taking their sweet time about it all as they still don’t have the keys and I’ve not even seen the place yet! Grrr! But when I do get to move in, I will have something called tenancy support which will be someone coming in once a week to help me with things like budgeting, learning to cook and general issues I may be having which will be a huge help to me.

But aside from all this support I have, the biggest thing is yet to come – and that starts this Friday. Because of my history, and the fact that I have never really dealt with it, I have signed up for a therapy group for survivors of sexual abuse. It is going to be a fortnightly session on a Friday morning and will last about an hour and a half or so. And I am starting to get really really anxious about the whole thing. I’m trying not to worry about it too much as I am trying to keep to my resolution to stop worrying so much and to think more positively – this therapy can only be a good thing for me surely?

It will help me no end to meet people who have been through what I have. To finally be able to communicate with people who understand all the thoughts inside my head without thinking I am a freak. To understand my guilt, my confusion, my fear… Admittedly, I know that this will be a hard journey for me to start, as dealing with my issues means facing them and reliving them – but I have my friends, I have Ben, and I know they will be there for me when I need them.

I am not afraid to face this anymore.