Trust

How well do you ever really know someone? Is there such a thing as truly knowing everything there is too know about someone? Or is there always going to be things you worry about, things you are concerned about, things that they do that you are completely oblivious too…

Trust is such a complex thing. There are so many sides to it, with nooks and crannies that are always hiding in the background that you may not be fully aware of. Is it possible to trust someone completely? To believe they tell you everything, that you can tell them everything, that they will never hurt you or deceive you, they will always be there for you, that you could trust them with your life?

Do trust and faith go hand in hand? If you cannot trust someone completely, can you at least have a little faith that they will do all of the above? To not hurt you, to care for you, to believe in you always?

I have faith that the majority of people, are good people. I have faith that these good people will always do the right thing – I trust in this. But that doesn’t make me trust people as a whole.

Trust. Faith. They are things that I find hard to hold on too.

So complicated. Maybe its because I see life as a complex thing, in an array of colours not just your standard black and white ie You either trust someone, or you don’t.

It’s just not that simple.

Some quotes on trust:

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, i'm upset that from now on i can't believe you" - Friedrich Nietzsche

"You may be decieved if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." - Frank Crane

"The best proof of love is trust." - Dr Joyce Brothers

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." - T.S. Elliot

I Never Thought...

I never thought I would fall in love.

I never thought I would fall in love as hard as I have.

I never thought that someone would fall in love with me.

I never thought that someone would love me, as much as I love them.

I have never been happier than I am now. Never before have I been made to feel as special and as loved as Ben makes me feel. He makes me feel important, like I matter, that what I say matters. He loves me for who I am.

This last weekend with him has been magical. Everything he did, everything he said made me feel adored. Just being close to him makes me smile and fills me with happiness. Just thinking of him does the same =)

I don’t think he realises how much he means to me. I tell him frequently, but perhaps I say it too much? When I am with him I just want to tell him I love him all the time, because I do, and I want to shout it from the rooftops. He deserves to know how special he makes me feel, how adored and loved I feel around him, and how he makes me happy and smile on a daily basis at the merest thought of him.

He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete.

And being apart from him is agonizing.

A New Perspective

It’s Christmas. Yes, I know, sharp aren’t I? But it is that time of year when you sit back and analyse your life, your year, and you realise that things aren’t actually that bad.

I have been through some crap in my time. And I mean crap. Some crap that even those closest to me don’t know about. I have never had a need to divulge certain things, nor will I ever. There is just no need, it would accomplish nothing. Perhaps that’s why people don’t understand why my depression runs so deep, and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

But I digress…

Its Christmas. I want to express how thankful I am for who I am. And for me to be me, I must be thankful for the life that I have had, the experiences I have had, for they have shaped me, my opinions, my emotions… Me. And on the whole, I believe I am a nice person. I have my faults of course, doesn’t everyone? But overall, I think I am a decent human being.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I’m on anti-depressants, I’m in therapy, and I have seen a psychiatrist. But when I put things into perspective, what do I really have to worry about?

I am healthy. (More or less – nothing major to worry about anyways!).
I have a roof over my head.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I have friends.
I am loved.
I am IN love.
But most importantly…

I am alive.

A colleague at work had some bad news this week. His 26 year old cousin has died of a heart attack. She has left behind a husband and 3 young children, one of which is severely disabled.

26. I am 26.

Death can hit us at any time. And for this very reason, I have decided that I need to focus more on the good things in my life, rather than worry and stress about all the problems in my life. Think of all the things I am missing out on because of my anxiety? Why should I worry all the time about what people think of me, or what they will say if I do a certain thing? What does it matter to them? And why is it so important to me? It makes no sense.

I’m going to focus on the future. I’m going to live for the now. I’m going to live for me.

Moving On

OMG OMG I had some really good news this morning!

I have been on the council waiting list for a while but this morning I had a phone call from them and they have offered me to go and look at a flat! YAY!

Ok, so you might be thinking “wow, council flat woohoo aiming high…” but this to me will be such a huge and positive change. In my current situation there is just no way I could afford to rent somewhere privately, or even try and secure a mortgage for my own place. The council route was really my own affordable option.

I have to go and look at the place first before I can properly state that I want it, but if the flat is suitable, my answer will be an excitable whoppingly fat YES! The location couldn’t be better – it’s a five minute walk from my brothers’ place and a five minute walk to my best friends’ house, smack bang in the middle between the two. It’s still on the bus route to work and to the train station for when I go see Ben and it’s in an area I grew up in so I’m familiar with the surroundings. They won’t get the keys till the end of this week, early next week so I won’t know for definite what’s going on till probably after Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, but living with her has in itself created problems. I won’t go into them all here, but lets just say me moving out will help to heal our fractured relationship. Besides, I’m sure she wants her own space and independence too, she’ll probably be glad to see the back of me!

If this happens and I get to move in to the new flat, already I can see a brighter future for me.

Tis the season...

To be jolly? *sigh* I need a sharp drink of the Christmas spirit. I'm just stressing about the whole occasion!

My last three Christmasses have been awful. And i mean awful. There has been fights there has been tears... Far too many tears. I just want this year to be different.

But i fear it wont.

I will be alone on Christmas day. Well, i think my mum will be home but i think she is going to her brothers for dinner. So just like last year, i shall be alone, sitting in front of the telly watching endless repeats i have seen countless times before. Last year i went to bed at 7.30pm. I so want this year to be different.

On a plus, at least the decorations have been put up more than two days before Christmas day! Progress!

I wont be seeing Ben till the 27th. Which sucks so much. Being around him completes me, and i just feel lost and broken when we are apart. It won't feel like Christmas without him by my side.

I haven't spoken to my father since February. Not because we have had a huge falling out or anything, we just haven't spoke. Our relationship has always been a little awkward. I think he doesn't love me and hates me as a daughter - he thinks i hate him and dont want him to be my father. Which couldnt' be further from the truth. All i have ever wanted is for him to be my father, to act like my father, and to show that he loves me. It takes two to tango but i always feel i have been dancing alone... all he had to do was pick up the phone. Just once. Say hi, ask how i am. Show an interest. I just want my daddy to love me for who i am.

I would love nothing more for him to phone me on Christmas day and wish me seasonal greetings. I don't know if i am strong enough to make the effort this time. He needs to make the move this time around. I just can't do it anymore.

And i still have only brought one preasant! OMG why have i left things so late! I can't afford anything i dont have the time to go shopping and i dont know what to buy and im sooooo stressed!

Why do i do this to myself!? Why do i get so stressed and worry about everything!? Christmas should be fun, stress free. Happy. A time for family.

*sigh*

I depress myself. Meh! =/

Mmm...

Its Wednesday again and I have once more participated in Josies’ Writing Workshop. This week I chose prompt 1 as I remembered a poem that I wrote a while back that perfectly fit the topic of “what is your addiction?”.

The Writing Workshop can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/12/07/writing-workshop-8-addictions-and-epiphanies/

My entry can be found below!

Mmm…

I dream of the wonders of the sugary delight
Resist I might but I cannot fight
Giving in to temptation I over indulge
Enjoying every crumb, ignoring my bulge

Lots of sugar to feed my addiction
“You’ll only ruin your complexion!”
But with Dairy Milk and Jelly Tots
Who cares if I get lots of spots?

Embracing my desire for that sugar rush
“Don’t eat that! You eat too much!”
“Keep eating this way you’ll get really fat!”
Ah, shut up, hand me that chocolate!

Like Britney Spears I sing ‘Gimmie more!’
Yearning for treats that I adore
For who cares about E-Numbers, I don’t count the calorie
My world is complete with just chocolate and me!

Realisation

I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/30/writing-workshop-7-claims-to-fame-and-guilty-pleasures/

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.