Missing Mojo

Whilst struggling to get to sleep last night, all i could think about was my current lack of mojo. A few people have commented to me recently how i need to go out more, do more, and it has made me realise how little i actually do, and how secluded i have become.

Currently i am signed off work by my doctor, but the time i spend at home is not the slightest bit productive. I have always wanted to be a writer, but i rarely write these days. Before i have always put this down to fear of failure, but now i just think i have withdrawn so far into myself that even writing, my biggest dream, my life times ambition, even that holds little motivation for me.

I used to have a wide circle of friends, and i would go out and socialise. Now i have one friend who i regularly see and keep in touch with, and he is awesome. But sometimes, when I'm with him, i will feel so disconnected from him, and i don't understand why.

Its the same with my family. Tonight, i am visiting my mother, and my brother will be there. And even though i am looking forward to seeing them both, already i can feel myself slipping into a state of mind where i am becoming numb, putting up shields and preparing a list of things that i could talk about, and i have nothing. I have done nothing to warrant conversation. So i will sit there, listen to both of their news, and i will withdraw even more into myself because i wont be able to relate to their comings and goings which in turn will make me feel invisible which will then make me not want to go round again because of how i ignored i feel when I'm there.

Which is really and utterly stupid.

The biggest problem i have at the moment is that even though i would like to be more social, quite frankly, people scare me. They never used to. But these days, even sitting on a bus i feel like everyone is staring at me and it really makes me uncomfortable, and i start to feel suffocated, and then i start panicking and then i want to run and flee and hide away from the world.

I've never really been any good at small talk. If people want to know about the weather, look outside, it doesn't need commenting on. Yes, you have a lovely dress, but you already know its lovely, or you wouldn't be wearing it.

None of this makes any sense to me. I never used to be this way.

I would love to be more like the person i used to be. I don't understand what happened to make me suddenly feel so inferior to everyone else. Because if i strip away all the confusion and emotion, that's what it all boils down too. Me feeling inferior. Me not feeling like i am worth anything good. Me not being deserving of good things and attention.

I do not know how to change this. I know i have people who love me, and they do their best to try and convince me i am worth something, that i have things to offer the world, that i have potential, that i am a good person worthy of good things.

But i just don't see what they see.

I do not know how to get out of this negative mindset. I do not know i can move forward with the current beliefs that i have, that i am convinced are true. So if any of you have any bright ideas, please let me know, as i am tired of feeling like i am just existing.

I want to live again.

Light at the end of the Tunnel

So much for my post about no more excuses. I am so terribly lazy when it comes to self motivation. Though in my defence, the last two months have been rather eventful. It has been the anniversary of a couple of very bad memories for me, along with loosing my job, and managing to get myself pregnant.

Its not been all bad though. Me and Ben have now been officially together for a year, and apart from the whole pregnancy thing throwing a spanner in the works, things between us have been running rather smoothly. We have started talking about moving in together, which for both of us will be a huge step.

My group therapy is also coming to an end this week, and that i can assure you has been a tough journey. I have always felt that i was such a complex person because i had so many conflicting emotions about various things, and things i felt that just made no sense. But now i fully understand a lot of my emotions, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good or a bad thing. Whilst the therapy will soon be over, i still have a way to go before my head is in a place where i feel is safe. But i feel that journey will be easier now, especially with all the support i have around me.

It's when you go through tough times you realise who your true friends are, and even which family members truly love you and will be there for you. And for the most part, i really couldn't have asked for more. I have so much love around me that i never really saw before, and when i take the time to actually look around, i can see it. And i can't believe how i missed it before. Maybe the black cloud above me is finally disappearing, allowing me to see the brightness of the world that i could never see before. Who knew the world was so full of colour, so full of energy and full of dreams.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if only my eyes hadn't been so closed, i would have seen it sooner.

A Little Understanding

When I first started writing this blog it was never with the intention of writing about my childhood experiences. Sure, I knew it would come up at some point, but I never suspected that it would be my main focus.

It’s a little annoying to be honest. I mean, I have always enjoyed writing, and despite what I write on this blog, my miserable life experiences are not the only thing I write about.

I love poetry – not reading it, just writing it. I’m not exactly talented at it, but it’s a way for me to be creative, to express myself. Ok, so the majority of my poetry is dark and negative, but there is the odd piece that has a glimmer of hope and a dream of a better life. I love writing short stories – admittedly, I haven’t written one for a while, but I wrote a fair few not that long ago.

And my novel… ah my blasted novel. What to do, what to do! Its been sitting on my shelf (well, now its packed in a box) for about 10 years or so now, untouched and unloved. I planned and planned that story so much that I don’t actually know what’s going on in it anymore. I had that many ideas for it I couldn’t actually decide on the final plotline. I wrote the prologue and the first two chapters, I had created my own language for it, planned each individual character, created a whole world for all the action to take place, planned historical events that would help shape the future of my world, designed the law and the whole political structure… I think too much planning put me off. Its as though I had already wrote the story in my head that it was too much effort to put it down on paper.

If any of you would like to read my poor attempt so far you can find the prologue over at Judiths Room!

I am confused by a lot of things at the moment. My writing is the only way that I can work through certain things as I struggle to express myself vocally. I have had a few people comment to me recently that they are surprised by my honesty on my blog, that I share so freely some of the things that I have experienced where most people wouldn’t. Well this is where i am at the moment. This is what i need to do. I don't write everything here, some things just don't need to be said, or are things that i myself find too hard to mention.

There is so much more that i could share with you. But for now, I shall leave you with this:

This is me
And all my generosity
This is me
And all of my monstrosities

This is me
Laid bare before your eyes
This is me
I wear no disguise

This is me
Naked to the core
This is me
I cannot give you more

Flashback Ramblings

Today I am feeling vulnerable. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the meeting I have at work this afternoon? Or the travelling I will be doing this evening and being around people? Or that I am feeling drained from my lack of sleep? Though I am pretty sure it’s because of the flashback I had last night.

It’s strange, to suddenly see something that had been blocked for so long. It kind of just hits you, like a big whopping smack in the face. You take a step back… Did you really just see what you think you did? Remember what you think you did? Is it real? Did it really happen?

When it’s been blocked for so long, that flashback is like its happening for the first time. At least, in the first instant. Now I have had time to process it, I feel… actually I’m not quite sure how I am feeling. Except vulnerable. And on edge. At least it means that I am starting to deal with things and accept them. By remembering previous events it means I am opening up, and starting to come to terms with my past.

My head is fuzzy today. The Mini-Me I spoke of yesterday keeps hitting the chocolate button, the tea button, the hugs button… and shes damn well jumping up and down on the Ben button.

I need him. I need him like I’ve never needed him before. And I think that is only adding to my vulnerability right now. The nature of my flashback last night… I’m a little scared about having contact with Ben… not because I’m scared of the contact, but because I’m scared the contact will be a trigger for a panic attack, or another flashback.

Sometimes I wish I had never started this journey. Sometimes I think I was coping better with everything being locked away and just being a quiet, sad girl who liked to keep to herself. But there comes a stage in your life when you realise there is just so much more out there. I’m never going to see the world locked away in my room and hiding from everyone. I’m never going to live a life if I’m too consumed with my emotions to be able see the things passing before me.

To be able to deal with all the thoughts going on in my head I need to take a closer look at them. I need to be able to understand them. Then I can take steps to move past them.

It’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I had gotten myself into a position where I would be strong enough to cope with the things inside my head, strong enough to tackle them. I guess I was for the things I could remember… but these flashbacks are a whole new ball game, one of which I was not prepared for.

I’m anxious. I’m scared. I’m damn well petrified. What else have I buried so deep in my psyche that I can’t recall? Are these other banished memories going to jump out at me too?

I’m trying to keep a clear head, but I am struggling. My coping mechanisms are not exactly healthy ones, and I do not want to go back to being that way, to doing… that. But God it helped and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to vent my anger, I don’t know how to vent my frustration, I don’t know how to express myself.

And so I need Ben. I am safe when I am with Ben. Ben transports me to a place that I can only describe as heaven, for that little world we are in when we are together is just, well, heavenly. Its like the whole world doesn’t exist anymore – it is just us. I don’t have to worry about the real world, my problems, my stresses. I don’t have to worry about trying to keep a brave face on for the world, trying to be happy when I’m clearly not.

For Ben sees me. Really sees me. And he understands. And he accepts me for who I am and has never once tried to change me.

Insulted

Today i have been more insulted and offended than i have ever been in my entire life.

Today i got accused of making up everything that had happened to me, that it was all a scheme.

I burst into tears to which i promptly got the response - "those tears won't work on me!"

Those tears were not for you.
Those tears were for all the pain i have endured because of the abuse i suffered as a child.
Those tears were for all the times i had self harmed because i have been unable to deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for the suicide attempts that i attempted becuase i could not deal with said abuse.
Those tears were for my family, and the pain that we have endured together because of the said abuse.
Those tears were for all the other people like me, who, for fear of recompence, do not report their abuse, and suffer in silence.
Those tears were for the fear i have inside me that people will judge me, and have done, and will continue to do so.
Those tears were real tears.

Do not DARE to suggest i would make something like this up. For this is not a life i would have chosen.

Thats all i have to say, for it is all i can say.

A New Perspective

It’s Christmas. Yes, I know, sharp aren’t I? But it is that time of year when you sit back and analyse your life, your year, and you realise that things aren’t actually that bad.

I have been through some crap in my time. And I mean crap. Some crap that even those closest to me don’t know about. I have never had a need to divulge certain things, nor will I ever. There is just no need, it would accomplish nothing. Perhaps that’s why people don’t understand why my depression runs so deep, and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

But I digress…

Its Christmas. I want to express how thankful I am for who I am. And for me to be me, I must be thankful for the life that I have had, the experiences I have had, for they have shaped me, my opinions, my emotions… Me. And on the whole, I believe I am a nice person. I have my faults of course, doesn’t everyone? But overall, I think I am a decent human being.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I’m on anti-depressants, I’m in therapy, and I have seen a psychiatrist. But when I put things into perspective, what do I really have to worry about?

I am healthy. (More or less – nothing major to worry about anyways!).
I have a roof over my head.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I have friends.
I am loved.
I am IN love.
But most importantly…

I am alive.

A colleague at work had some bad news this week. His 26 year old cousin has died of a heart attack. She has left behind a husband and 3 young children, one of which is severely disabled.

26. I am 26.

Death can hit us at any time. And for this very reason, I have decided that I need to focus more on the good things in my life, rather than worry and stress about all the problems in my life. Think of all the things I am missing out on because of my anxiety? Why should I worry all the time about what people think of me, or what they will say if I do a certain thing? What does it matter to them? And why is it so important to me? It makes no sense.

I’m going to focus on the future. I’m going to live for the now. I’m going to live for me.

Tis the season...

To be jolly? *sigh* I need a sharp drink of the Christmas spirit. I'm just stressing about the whole occasion!

My last three Christmasses have been awful. And i mean awful. There has been fights there has been tears... Far too many tears. I just want this year to be different.

But i fear it wont.

I will be alone on Christmas day. Well, i think my mum will be home but i think she is going to her brothers for dinner. So just like last year, i shall be alone, sitting in front of the telly watching endless repeats i have seen countless times before. Last year i went to bed at 7.30pm. I so want this year to be different.

On a plus, at least the decorations have been put up more than two days before Christmas day! Progress!

I wont be seeing Ben till the 27th. Which sucks so much. Being around him completes me, and i just feel lost and broken when we are apart. It won't feel like Christmas without him by my side.

I haven't spoken to my father since February. Not because we have had a huge falling out or anything, we just haven't spoke. Our relationship has always been a little awkward. I think he doesn't love me and hates me as a daughter - he thinks i hate him and dont want him to be my father. Which couldnt' be further from the truth. All i have ever wanted is for him to be my father, to act like my father, and to show that he loves me. It takes two to tango but i always feel i have been dancing alone... all he had to do was pick up the phone. Just once. Say hi, ask how i am. Show an interest. I just want my daddy to love me for who i am.

I would love nothing more for him to phone me on Christmas day and wish me seasonal greetings. I don't know if i am strong enough to make the effort this time. He needs to make the move this time around. I just can't do it anymore.

And i still have only brought one preasant! OMG why have i left things so late! I can't afford anything i dont have the time to go shopping and i dont know what to buy and im sooooo stressed!

Why do i do this to myself!? Why do i get so stressed and worry about everything!? Christmas should be fun, stress free. Happy. A time for family.

*sigh*

I depress myself. Meh! =/