Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts

Monday, January 18, 2010

Busy Busy!


Wow, so busy, I can’t believe it is Monday again already!

I have now officially signed the tenancy for my flat and have the keys! Woohoo! I’m a little annoyed at the moment though… as the keys were available from last Monday I have to start paying rent from then – even though I didn’t sign the tenancy agreement till Thursday, even though the gas wont be switched back on till this Thursday coming, even though I cant move in till the place has been heated up and aired out because its been empty for a few months… Grr! But oh well! I shall be writing a lovely letter to the council with my view and see what they say as it never hurts to try and get a discount or what not!

I still don’t have a cooker or a washing machine, but I’m not too worried. My cooking skills mostly rely on a microwave and a toaster, both of which I have been given so all shall be well! Failing that, once I move I’ll be five minutes away from a chip shop, five minutes away from a Chinese, five minutes from my best friends house and five minutes from my brothers house! I’ve already warned them I’ll be round every night with my tin of beans or what not, asking for it to be heated up please please thank you very much!

I cannot afford to buy carpets! At least, not at the moment. I’m still trying to figure out my budget and find out what I can and cannot afford which is really difficult to do when you are just estimating costs. I wont truly know what my outgoings will be till I move in and start using stuff and, well, living! Who needs carpets anyway? Polish the floorboards, beg a fancy rug off someone – simples! And fashionable too, apparently.

I still need to sort out a tv licence, apply for working tax credits, contact the water board, send in my council tax form… So many things to remember!

In other news, I have remade contact with my step-mother and father. Well, technically speaking, they made contact with me, at least, my step mother did. After a few heated text messages she wrote me a letter, which wasn’t what I was expecting at all. It was… nice. There wasn’t any animosity at all, it was just a nice, here’s what I’ve been doing, hope you’re okay kind of letter. So I replied with a here’s what I’ve been doing of my own, and I actually felt good for writing it, for making that contact with them. There is so much history between us, sometimes it’s hard to really know where I stand with them. I feel so awkward when I shouldn’t, I get anxious for no reason, it makes no sense to me. Hopefully I’ll be able to understand it and work through it with the therapy I am doing.

I came home last night to another letter from my step mother in response to the one I had wrote her. And another letter. From my dad. It was a congratulations on your new home card, and in my dads scruffy writing all it said inside was “all our love and best wishes, love dad and Anne.”

I cried. I cried harder than I have done for a while for that card meant so much to me. My dad had made an effort. My dad was thinking of me. My dad wanted me to know he was thinking of me.

I shall treasure that card and it will take pride of place in my new flat. Once I buy a shelf for it to sit on that is!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tis the season...


To be jolly? *sigh* I need a sharp drink of the Christmas spirit. I'm just stressing about the whole occasion!

My last three Christmasses have been awful. And i mean awful. There has been fights there has been tears... Far too many tears. I just want this year to be different.

But i fear it wont.

I will be alone on Christmas day. Well, i think my mum will be home but i think she is going to her brothers for dinner. So just like last year, i shall be alone, sitting in front of the telly watching endless repeats i have seen countless times before. Last year i went to bed at 7.30pm. I so want this year to be different.

On a plus, at least the decorations have been put up more than two days before Christmas day! Progress!

I wont be seeing Ben till the 27th. Which sucks so much. Being around him completes me, and i just feel lost and broken when we are apart. It won't feel like Christmas without him by my side.

I haven't spoken to my father since February. Not because we have had a huge falling out or anything, we just haven't spoke. Our relationship has always been a little awkward. I think he doesn't love me and hates me as a daughter - he thinks i hate him and dont want him to be my father. Which couldnt' be further from the truth. All i have ever wanted is for him to be my father, to act like my father, and to show that he loves me. It takes two to tango but i always feel i have been dancing alone... all he had to do was pick up the phone. Just once. Say hi, ask how i am. Show an interest. I just want my daddy to love me for who i am.

I would love nothing more for him to phone me on Christmas day and wish me seasonal greetings. I don't know if i am strong enough to make the effort this time. He needs to make the move this time around. I just can't do it anymore.

And i still have only brought one preasant! OMG why have i left things so late! I can't afford anything i dont have the time to go shopping and i dont know what to buy and im sooooo stressed!

Why do i do this to myself!? Why do i get so stressed and worry about everything!? Christmas should be fun, stress free. Happy. A time for family.

*sigh*

I depress myself. Meh! =/