Thursday, June 24, 2010

Inner Darkness

This was written for prompt 2 of the Writing Workshop held over at Sleep is for the Weak.

Depression. Lately, it is my world. I have suffered with it since i was a teenager, but recently, it seems to have taken a real hold of me. Shadows constantly surrounding me, everywhere i look there is darkness, gloom and misery.

Isolation. I have taken to hiding myself away from the world. Catch 22 for me really. I feel so sad and lonely, i physically cannot make myself leave my house to go and socialise for i feel so bad and worthless inside.

Suffocating. The air around me is dense, too dense to feel like I'm breathing easily. Every breath is a struggle, i wonder why i bother to keep breathing. A feint glimmer of hope that pierces the veil of darkness tells me there is a reason, I am just yet to find it.

Pain. Its not a physical ache, but my heart truly hurts from all the misery i have inside. Why can't i feel the happiness that others do?

Anger. I have this volcano of hate deep inside, I'm not sure who to direct it at. The people who have hurt me? Others, who feel happiness whilst i lay here on the edge of suicide? Or myself, for not being strong, not being able to beat this monster inside of me?

Worthless. I feel like dirt under somebody's shoe. Maybe i just don't deserve to be happy?

Tearful. Tears stream from dejected eyes. Once again i am crying, for what reason i cannot fathom. Sometimes i don't need a reason.

Drained. I am being pulled downwards, it is a battle to keep myself upright. Demons pulling at my soul, dragging me further into the darkness, beckoning me forth.

Numb. There are so many emotions swirling in my head, it is hard to focus on just one of them. I am consumed with them all that sometimes, i cannot feel any of them.

Despair. Uncontrolled despair. I wish i were stronger, braver... I wish i didn't feel this way. I wish i were someone else.

I wish lost of things.

But wishing doesn't help.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Light at the end of the Tunnel

So much for my post about no more excuses. I am so terribly lazy when it comes to self motivation. Though in my defence, the last two months have been rather eventful. It has been the anniversary of a couple of very bad memories for me, along with loosing my job, and managing to get myself pregnant.

Its not been all bad though. Me and Ben have now been officially together for a year, and apart from the whole pregnancy thing throwing a spanner in the works, things between us have been running rather smoothly. We have started talking about moving in together, which for both of us will be a huge step.

My group therapy is also coming to an end this week, and that i can assure you has been a tough journey. I have always felt that i was such a complex person because i had so many conflicting emotions about various things, and things i felt that just made no sense. But now i fully understand a lot of my emotions, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good or a bad thing. Whilst the therapy will soon be over, i still have a way to go before my head is in a place where i feel is safe. But i feel that journey will be easier now, especially with all the support i have around me.

It's when you go through tough times you realise who your true friends are, and even which family members truly love you and will be there for you. And for the most part, i really couldn't have asked for more. I have so much love around me that i never really saw before, and when i take the time to actually look around, i can see it. And i can't believe how i missed it before. Maybe the black cloud above me is finally disappearing, allowing me to see the brightness of the world that i could never see before. Who knew the world was so full of colour, so full of energy and full of dreams.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if only my eyes hadn't been so closed, i would have seen it sooner.