Trust

How well do you ever really know someone? Is there such a thing as truly knowing everything there is too know about someone? Or is there always going to be things you worry about, things you are concerned about, things that they do that you are completely oblivious too…

Trust is such a complex thing. There are so many sides to it, with nooks and crannies that are always hiding in the background that you may not be fully aware of. Is it possible to trust someone completely? To believe they tell you everything, that you can tell them everything, that they will never hurt you or deceive you, they will always be there for you, that you could trust them with your life?

Do trust and faith go hand in hand? If you cannot trust someone completely, can you at least have a little faith that they will do all of the above? To not hurt you, to care for you, to believe in you always?

I have faith that the majority of people, are good people. I have faith that these good people will always do the right thing – I trust in this. But that doesn’t make me trust people as a whole.

Trust. Faith. They are things that I find hard to hold on too.

So complicated. Maybe its because I see life as a complex thing, in an array of colours not just your standard black and white ie You either trust someone, or you don’t.

It’s just not that simple.

Some quotes on trust:

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, i'm upset that from now on i can't believe you" - Friedrich Nietzsche

"You may be decieved if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." - Frank Crane

"The best proof of love is trust." - Dr Joyce Brothers

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." - T.S. Elliot

I Never Thought...

I never thought I would fall in love.

I never thought I would fall in love as hard as I have.

I never thought that someone would fall in love with me.

I never thought that someone would love me, as much as I love them.

I have never been happier than I am now. Never before have I been made to feel as special and as loved as Ben makes me feel. He makes me feel important, like I matter, that what I say matters. He loves me for who I am.

This last weekend with him has been magical. Everything he did, everything he said made me feel adored. Just being close to him makes me smile and fills me with happiness. Just thinking of him does the same =)

I don’t think he realises how much he means to me. I tell him frequently, but perhaps I say it too much? When I am with him I just want to tell him I love him all the time, because I do, and I want to shout it from the rooftops. He deserves to know how special he makes me feel, how adored and loved I feel around him, and how he makes me happy and smile on a daily basis at the merest thought of him.

He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete.

And being apart from him is agonizing.

A New Perspective

It’s Christmas. Yes, I know, sharp aren’t I? But it is that time of year when you sit back and analyse your life, your year, and you realise that things aren’t actually that bad.

I have been through some crap in my time. And I mean crap. Some crap that even those closest to me don’t know about. I have never had a need to divulge certain things, nor will I ever. There is just no need, it would accomplish nothing. Perhaps that’s why people don’t understand why my depression runs so deep, and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

But I digress…

Its Christmas. I want to express how thankful I am for who I am. And for me to be me, I must be thankful for the life that I have had, the experiences I have had, for they have shaped me, my opinions, my emotions… Me. And on the whole, I believe I am a nice person. I have my faults of course, doesn’t everyone? But overall, I think I am a decent human being.

Don’t get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I’m on anti-depressants, I’m in therapy, and I have seen a psychiatrist. But when I put things into perspective, what do I really have to worry about?

I am healthy. (More or less – nothing major to worry about anyways!).
I have a roof over my head.
I have a job.
I have a family.
I have friends.
I am loved.
I am IN love.
But most importantly…

I am alive.

A colleague at work had some bad news this week. His 26 year old cousin has died of a heart attack. She has left behind a husband and 3 young children, one of which is severely disabled.

26. I am 26.

Death can hit us at any time. And for this very reason, I have decided that I need to focus more on the good things in my life, rather than worry and stress about all the problems in my life. Think of all the things I am missing out on because of my anxiety? Why should I worry all the time about what people think of me, or what they will say if I do a certain thing? What does it matter to them? And why is it so important to me? It makes no sense.

I’m going to focus on the future. I’m going to live for the now. I’m going to live for me.

Moving On

OMG OMG I had some really good news this morning!

I have been on the council waiting list for a while but this morning I had a phone call from them and they have offered me to go and look at a flat! YAY!

Ok, so you might be thinking “wow, council flat woohoo aiming high…” but this to me will be such a huge and positive change. In my current situation there is just no way I could afford to rent somewhere privately, or even try and secure a mortgage for my own place. The council route was really my own affordable option.

I have to go and look at the place first before I can properly state that I want it, but if the flat is suitable, my answer will be an excitable whoppingly fat YES! The location couldn’t be better – it’s a five minute walk from my brothers’ place and a five minute walk to my best friends’ house, smack bang in the middle between the two. It’s still on the bus route to work and to the train station for when I go see Ben and it’s in an area I grew up in so I’m familiar with the surroundings. They won’t get the keys till the end of this week, early next week so I won’t know for definite what’s going on till probably after Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, but living with her has in itself created problems. I won’t go into them all here, but lets just say me moving out will help to heal our fractured relationship. Besides, I’m sure she wants her own space and independence too, she’ll probably be glad to see the back of me!

If this happens and I get to move in to the new flat, already I can see a brighter future for me.

Tis the season...

To be jolly? *sigh* I need a sharp drink of the Christmas spirit. I'm just stressing about the whole occasion!

My last three Christmasses have been awful. And i mean awful. There has been fights there has been tears... Far too many tears. I just want this year to be different.

But i fear it wont.

I will be alone on Christmas day. Well, i think my mum will be home but i think she is going to her brothers for dinner. So just like last year, i shall be alone, sitting in front of the telly watching endless repeats i have seen countless times before. Last year i went to bed at 7.30pm. I so want this year to be different.

On a plus, at least the decorations have been put up more than two days before Christmas day! Progress!

I wont be seeing Ben till the 27th. Which sucks so much. Being around him completes me, and i just feel lost and broken when we are apart. It won't feel like Christmas without him by my side.

I haven't spoken to my father since February. Not because we have had a huge falling out or anything, we just haven't spoke. Our relationship has always been a little awkward. I think he doesn't love me and hates me as a daughter - he thinks i hate him and dont want him to be my father. Which couldnt' be further from the truth. All i have ever wanted is for him to be my father, to act like my father, and to show that he loves me. It takes two to tango but i always feel i have been dancing alone... all he had to do was pick up the phone. Just once. Say hi, ask how i am. Show an interest. I just want my daddy to love me for who i am.

I would love nothing more for him to phone me on Christmas day and wish me seasonal greetings. I don't know if i am strong enough to make the effort this time. He needs to make the move this time around. I just can't do it anymore.

And i still have only brought one preasant! OMG why have i left things so late! I can't afford anything i dont have the time to go shopping and i dont know what to buy and im sooooo stressed!

Why do i do this to myself!? Why do i get so stressed and worry about everything!? Christmas should be fun, stress free. Happy. A time for family.

*sigh*

I depress myself. Meh! =/

Mmm...

Its Wednesday again and I have once more participated in Josies’ Writing Workshop. This week I chose prompt 1 as I remembered a poem that I wrote a while back that perfectly fit the topic of “what is your addiction?”.

The Writing Workshop can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/12/07/writing-workshop-8-addictions-and-epiphanies/

My entry can be found below!

Mmm…

I dream of the wonders of the sugary delight
Resist I might but I cannot fight
Giving in to temptation I over indulge
Enjoying every crumb, ignoring my bulge

Lots of sugar to feed my addiction
“You’ll only ruin your complexion!”
But with Dairy Milk and Jelly Tots
Who cares if I get lots of spots?

Embracing my desire for that sugar rush
“Don’t eat that! You eat too much!”
“Keep eating this way you’ll get really fat!”
Ah, shut up, hand me that chocolate!

Like Britney Spears I sing ‘Gimmie more!’
Yearning for treats that I adore
For who cares about E-Numbers, I don’t count the calorie
My world is complete with just chocolate and me!

Realisation

I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/30/writing-workshop-7-claims-to-fame-and-guilty-pleasures/

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.

What Not To Do When Being Burgled...

If you realised you had a burglar in your house, what would you do? Call the police? Turn a light on? Make some noise to alert the criminals to your presence? Send the dog downstairs to scare them off? Shake fearfully under your duvet and hope they go away? I'm sure any sensible person would have done one of the above.

So what did i do when last night i realised there were strangers in the house? Yep, you guessed it - none of the above. Stupidly i did the following...

I realised they were in the kitchen, which is right underneath my bedroom. So i opened my window, leaned out as far as i could so they would be able to hear me and shouted:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BUNCH OF SCABROTS BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!"

Yes, i used the word scabrot. What does that even mean!?

Surprisingly, i didn't get stabbed, or shot, or have anything stolen. The two teenagers that entered my house seemed to notice the anger in my voice and scurried off as quickly as they could, heaving themselves back out the kitchen window and stumbling and tripping over the mines in the garden that are Riley's squeaky toys. It was actually quite a comical getaway.

Shortly after the teenage crooks left the premises my adrenaline began to wear off, and the cough that has tortured me for the last God knows how long began to kick in. And i mean kick. I was coughing so much that i could hardly breathe, and that is a very frightening feeling. I began to panic. I tried using the inhaler that ive been given by my doctor but i was all fumbly and couldn't hold the silly thing in my shaking hands, never mind attempt to actually use it. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, my hole body was shaking and i'm still desperately trying to catch my breath.

Ten minutes later when my panic attack stops and i have managed to calm myself down, i use the inhaler, have a glass of water, and go back to bed. At this point, i am exhausted. Panic attacks always wear me down, they litterally drain the life out of me. Thankfully i don't have them as much as i used to do!

So there i was, lying in my bed all warm and comfy and then it hits me - i nearly got burgled. I am all alone. There were strangers in my house. I am all alone. Anything could have happened. I am all alone...

Roll on panic attack number two.

Needless to say it has been a very long night. When i got out of bed this morning at half past eight all i could manage to do was crawl to the bathroom and throw up. Curse these nerves of mine! At least now i am calmer and can focus properly on the day ahead. I have gone through the motions of adrenaline, realisation, fear, guilt, and now i'm just angry. Bastards in my house, how dare they! Little shits will get a good kick up the arse if i see them near this house again!

*shakes fist with vigour*

Day 1 in the Mighty Maggots House...

(Mighty Maggot is my mums nickname for those who dont know!)

So cooking was a disaster. I figured id just attempt cooking meat on its own being as though I’m not a confident cook, so my first project was sausages. They seemed to come out rather well, they looked as though they were cooked perfectly, and looked all nice and yummy on the inside too. But when I bit into it it was cold and squidgey and bleh. A little under cooked me thinks. So I fed the bin instead. Attempt two of my evening came in the form of a pork chop steak-type-thingy. I even managed to get that wrong – seems I overcompensated on the cooking time after my failed sausages and over cooked it so it was rubbery and chewy and… beans on toast tonight I think!

On a more positive note, I didn’t burn down the house! Celebrations!

I spent the evening lazing around for the most part. I had a bath, even though i had already showered that morning. I washed up, cleaned the kitchen, then spent the rest of the evening vegged out in front of the TV, something i never do. I watched the Star Trek movie which i had borrowed from Darren at work and was surprised that i actually liked it. I'm quite concerned that i may turn into a trekkie and be mocked by my family for the rest of my days. Though thats probably just becuase i thought James Kirk was cute haha, so i think i'm probably safe. Do you know what was the best part of my night? Being able to walk around the house naked. Yes, you heard me: naked. The blinds and curtains were of course closed, but it was just that extra bit of freedom to be able to do what i wanted, when i wanted. Damn it i want my own house and i want it now! *stomps feet*

My trip to the doctor ended up costing me another £12 or so. Seems he thinks I may have mild asthma, curse my gene pool! *shakes fist* So I have been given an inhaler to use as and when necessary, and a peak flow meter which I need to use to record my breathing output morning and night. Apparently the average reading for a healthy person is around 450 – 500. My reading last night was 340 and the one this morning barely touched 250. I’m guessing that’s bad haha.

On the brighter side, my results came back from my Visual Evoked test and everything seems normal. So after all the testing I’ve had recently, my neurologists conclusion is and I quote “there doesn’t appear to be anything to worry about”. Which is all well and good and a huge relief off my mind after all the scare stories of tumours strokes and MS I had been told. But it still doesn’t explain why I randomly get pins and needles down the one side, why I get random numbness in my arm, hands and feet, why my arm randomly aches and feels like it is too heavy to lift, why I get headaches, blurred vision, feel dizzy and feint, tremors… But apparently its nothing to worry about!

However I may have found an explanation, at least for some of my symptoms. I have been reading a book recently on my PCOS and it turns out a lot of the things going wrong with me at the moment could all be down to that. Certainly fainting and dizziness, my chronic fatigue, and the random joint pain can be explained this way. The blurred vision can be linked with my lack of sleep, as can the tremors as my body is being overworked so the shaking is a sign of stress. Apparently. Pins and needles and the numbness could just mean I have poor circulation, which would also explain why I’m always so bloody cold! Majority of the above symptoms could also be explained with the reasoning of stress, or from the side effects of the many pills I am currently taking. So I guess its just another reason to try and get my PCOS under control.

Random thoughts to leave you with:

Why do old ladies always wear shoes that are too big for them?
Why are chocolate buttons called ‘buttons’? They aren’t buttons, they’re just circles!
Does the earth on Mars taste like Mars bars?
Does the man on the moon ever get lonely?
Why is a cup of tea called a cup of tea? Lets get real here, its just flavoured water! “I’d like a cup of hot water with some milk and sugar and a scare of a tea bag please!” Hmm guess it doesn’t quote roll off the tongue…

Home Alone

I hate public transport. It is just so unreliable. I spent 45 minutes this morning standing in the freezing cold because of buses leaving early. I have to catch 2 buses to work and if one leaves early, I can usually just about make it into town to catch the second one if I run. (Thank God the station is downhill!) But if that one leaves early… meh. Needless to say, today, one is not amused.

I am off to the doctors this afternoon. I have had a cough for quite a while now and both mum and Ben have been on to me to get it checked out. So I am. I only seem to cough last thing at night and first thing in the morning but it is really annoying! It’s a dry cough, but it sounds chesty. Mum thinks I may be allergic to the dog, my friend online thinks it sounds like asthma, and I just thought it was an annoying cough that would never go away haha. Might mention a few other things to the doctor… though to be honest I’m sick of seeing him in recent months and im guessing the feeling is mutual.

My mum has jetted off to Lanzarote for the week so I am left at home to look after the dog… and fend for myself. Last time I cooked for myself I gave myself food poisoning, so I’m a little apprehensive! The length of my culinary skills stretches to beans on toast. I am a huge lover of the microwave! But you know, im 26, I really should learn to cook properly. How I managed to survive 18 months living in Holland I’ll never know! Maybe I dreamt the whole thing? Perhaps I was in a coma or something and didn’t know? Hmm… something I shall discuss with Drew!

I’m feeling a little brave though. I may actually cook something properly today. I think perhaps a nice chicken breast (though it will have to be fried as our oven doesn’t work) with some mushrooms and erm.. mashed potatoes perhaps. I think I could probably manage that without too much risk of setting the house on fire. Don’t think mum would be very appreciative of that…

“Kelly, I’m home!! … um, where is the house!?”

Might solve my current housing issues though! Ooo planage! :O

Bullies on the Bus

You would think that age 26 I would be free from bullies, that bullying is something that only happens at school and such. Alas not. I dread going out in public, I have for quite a while. At least, I do during the day as I cannot hide in the light. For you see, I suffer from a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short) and because of this I have various symptoms that bullies relish in. I have really bad acne due to the hormone imbalance caused by my PCOS, but because of my sensitive skin I rarely wear make-up as this only irritates me and makes my acne worse. I have various other symptoms too, some which are too embarrassing to write about here. But the bullies notice. They notice every single thing that bothers me about my condition, and the name calling begins. I always try and hide when I’m on the bus, sit amongst the elderly as the name calling isn’t as bad then, or have my coat hood up and slouch and just pretend not to hear the hurtful words directed my way. I have always had really long hair and so I always wear it long and loose, another way to try and hide my face from show. My social life has suffered severely because of bullying. My self-confidence has dwindled too. I hate looking in the mirror, for I don’t see the pretty face I’m told I have, or the beautiful smile that I always get complimented on, or the eyes that people assure me are alluring and expressive. I see the greasy hair, the dry and flaky skin, the itchy acne, the painful boil-type lumps under my skin, the facial hair that only men should have… I don’t like being me.

Josie's writing workshop

A blog recently recommended to me by my closest friend does a weekly writing workshop, so this week i figured i would take up the challenge.

The initial post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/16/writing-prompts-5-were-back-in-business-baby/

And my offering, can be found here! I opted for option 5, "write about a deep, dark fear" and here is what i ended up with. The conclusion quite suprised me. I thought my deepest fear was something else, but alas not...

Fear

I am covered in scars
Each one has a meaning
Scars that refuse to heal
I am emotionally bleeding
My heart is a jigsaw
Many peices, broken
Stuck together, fragile
Due to actions left unspoken
I need the glue to fix me
I cannot break again
I will not be the fool
I will not take the pain
I beg you not to hurt me
I beg you to hold me dear
For loosing you would finish me
And that's my biggest fear

Awakening

I was reading through my book of poems that ive wrote, and at the time of writing, the below poem was something i only dreamt i would one day feel, needless to say, i have reached that point in my life, and so i thought i would share this with you.

Awakening

Whispered promises by candle light
Slowly awakening my appetite
Concupisence, your touch refined
Endorsing pleasures once denied
Satin kisses on velvet skin
Fueling fire felt deep within
Arousing senses that once were numb
I feel i'm falling i must succumb
Consumed with emotions only you inspire
Screaming out with rapt desire
Returning life to my tortured soul
Our bodies join, at last i'm whole.

What will they do next!?

I like to regularly trawl through random news papers, and i am constantly amazed at the stupidity and rediculous-ness of some people! I honestly believe the world is going mad.

Once again due to the wonderful thing that is H&S (Health and Safety to most people, 'Heap of Shit' to me), the government has spent an unreasonable ammount of money to produce a 93 page document to teach police officers how to... ride a bike. Yes, you read that correctly. Ride a bike. Because apparently our parents don't teach us how to do this anymore *sigh*, the document will teach them how to balance correctly, how to turn, and how to avoid curbs.

OMG. That's all i can say.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1227122/Police-93-page-guide-ride-bike.html

Random introductory facts

Hi there! My name is Kelly, though i get called many things as people seem to struggle with this name. The sandwich lady who visits my work premises at lunch time has been calling me Hayley for the last 18 months =/

I have a tendency to over use lol, haha and hehe, as well as ^^ :O and =)

I have a strange obsession with Spongebob Squarepants and get quite annoyed when my boyfriend doesnt wake me up on a Sunday morning to watch it! I even bought myself a mug and coaster set with Spongebob on, but i dont have the heart to use them in case i ruin them haha... which is rather silly really being as though they only set me back £1.99 =/

I can stick my big toe up at a 90 degree angle, which both my brother and boyfriend find really annoying, and somewhat freaky. but hey, everyone needs a party trick right?

I feel things very deeply. I hurt deeply, i love deeply. I'm a very emotional person, i guess you could say i'm too emotional sometimes, but hey ho, thats just who i am.

I like to write. Obviously, thats why i'm here. Doesn't mean i'm very good at it, or that i write as often as i should lol. Maybe with a little motivation (or a chocolate bar dangling off a stick in front of me to keep me at the computer), i may actually write something with a bit of, i don't know, umph? Something with meat, something... interesting.

I have a tendancy to ramble... so before i do, i'm going to go make myself a cup of tea, grab the last of the custard creams out the cupboad, and sit down for half hour before tucking in for an early night.