Realisation

I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

http://sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2009/11/30/writing-workshop-7-claims-to-fame-and-guilty-pleasures/

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.

Day 1 in the Mighty Maggots House...

(Mighty Maggot is my mums nickname for those who dont know!)

So cooking was a disaster. I figured id just attempt cooking meat on its own being as though I’m not a confident cook, so my first project was sausages. They seemed to come out rather well, they looked as though they were cooked perfectly, and looked all nice and yummy on the inside too. But when I bit into it it was cold and squidgey and bleh. A little under cooked me thinks. So I fed the bin instead. Attempt two of my evening came in the form of a pork chop steak-type-thingy. I even managed to get that wrong – seems I overcompensated on the cooking time after my failed sausages and over cooked it so it was rubbery and chewy and… beans on toast tonight I think!

On a more positive note, I didn’t burn down the house! Celebrations!

I spent the evening lazing around for the most part. I had a bath, even though i had already showered that morning. I washed up, cleaned the kitchen, then spent the rest of the evening vegged out in front of the TV, something i never do. I watched the Star Trek movie which i had borrowed from Darren at work and was surprised that i actually liked it. I'm quite concerned that i may turn into a trekkie and be mocked by my family for the rest of my days. Though thats probably just becuase i thought James Kirk was cute haha, so i think i'm probably safe. Do you know what was the best part of my night? Being able to walk around the house naked. Yes, you heard me: naked. The blinds and curtains were of course closed, but it was just that extra bit of freedom to be able to do what i wanted, when i wanted. Damn it i want my own house and i want it now! *stomps feet*

My trip to the doctor ended up costing me another £12 or so. Seems he thinks I may have mild asthma, curse my gene pool! *shakes fist* So I have been given an inhaler to use as and when necessary, and a peak flow meter which I need to use to record my breathing output morning and night. Apparently the average reading for a healthy person is around 450 – 500. My reading last night was 340 and the one this morning barely touched 250. I’m guessing that’s bad haha.

On the brighter side, my results came back from my Visual Evoked test and everything seems normal. So after all the testing I’ve had recently, my neurologists conclusion is and I quote “there doesn’t appear to be anything to worry about”. Which is all well and good and a huge relief off my mind after all the scare stories of tumours strokes and MS I had been told. But it still doesn’t explain why I randomly get pins and needles down the one side, why I get random numbness in my arm, hands and feet, why my arm randomly aches and feels like it is too heavy to lift, why I get headaches, blurred vision, feel dizzy and feint, tremors… But apparently its nothing to worry about!

However I may have found an explanation, at least for some of my symptoms. I have been reading a book recently on my PCOS and it turns out a lot of the things going wrong with me at the moment could all be down to that. Certainly fainting and dizziness, my chronic fatigue, and the random joint pain can be explained this way. The blurred vision can be linked with my lack of sleep, as can the tremors as my body is being overworked so the shaking is a sign of stress. Apparently. Pins and needles and the numbness could just mean I have poor circulation, which would also explain why I’m always so bloody cold! Majority of the above symptoms could also be explained with the reasoning of stress, or from the side effects of the many pills I am currently taking. So I guess its just another reason to try and get my PCOS under control.

Random thoughts to leave you with:

Why do old ladies always wear shoes that are too big for them?
Why are chocolate buttons called ‘buttons’? They aren’t buttons, they’re just circles!
Does the earth on Mars taste like Mars bars?
Does the man on the moon ever get lonely?
Why is a cup of tea called a cup of tea? Lets get real here, its just flavoured water! “I’d like a cup of hot water with some milk and sugar and a scare of a tea bag please!” Hmm guess it doesn’t quote roll off the tongue…

Bullies on the Bus

You would think that age 26 I would be free from bullies, that bullying is something that only happens at school and such. Alas not. I dread going out in public, I have for quite a while. At least, I do during the day as I cannot hide in the light. For you see, I suffer from a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short) and because of this I have various symptoms that bullies relish in. I have really bad acne due to the hormone imbalance caused by my PCOS, but because of my sensitive skin I rarely wear make-up as this only irritates me and makes my acne worse. I have various other symptoms too, some which are too embarrassing to write about here. But the bullies notice. They notice every single thing that bothers me about my condition, and the name calling begins. I always try and hide when I’m on the bus, sit amongst the elderly as the name calling isn’t as bad then, or have my coat hood up and slouch and just pretend not to hear the hurtful words directed my way. I have always had really long hair and so I always wear it long and loose, another way to try and hide my face from show. My social life has suffered severely because of bullying. My self-confidence has dwindled too. I hate looking in the mirror, for I don’t see the pretty face I’m told I have, or the beautiful smile that I always get complimented on, or the eyes that people assure me are alluring and expressive. I see the greasy hair, the dry and flaky skin, the itchy acne, the painful boil-type lumps under my skin, the facial hair that only men should have… I don’t like being me.