Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I attempted another of Josie's prompts down at the Writing Workshop this week. I chose option 3, "write about a dream you've had recently".

The original post can be found here:

My dream...

Me and Ben were trying to get pregnant. We had been trying for months with no success. We had gone to the hospital for IVF and it was the day of our results, to see if the pregnancy had taken. I clutched my tummy tightly, as though i already knew there was a new life growing inside me. We walked into the doctors office, i was holding on to Bens hand so tightly... The doctor was smiling, waving a sheet of paper in his hand. Test results had come back - I was pregnant!

We spent the next few weeks doing the things every new parent does... thinking of names, looking at baby clothes, and it was such a wonderful time in my life. And then it happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, a horrible pain in my tummy. I could feel the blood between my legs and even before i got the the bathroom i knew... i had lost the baby. I was devastated.

I woke up crying. It had been a while since a dream had affected me so deeply. I guess this dream was a little too close to home.

With me suffering from PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant are less than normal due to my infrequent monthlies. And with this condition the risk of miscarriage is also increased. When i was about 17 or 18, i had decided i wanted 5 children - 3 boys, 2 girls. I had even picked their names. Then when i was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and discovered that my chances to become pregnant were slim, i decided i didn't want children, that i hated children and that they were all spawn of the devil. A very extreme defensive mechanism me thinks! But it lasted me till now, i had convinced myself that i didn't want children, that i couldnt go through the heartache of trying and failing to become pregnant, or suffer through the agony of saving for IVF and it not working. It was easier to walk away from something i so desperately wanted.

This dream made me realise i have been kidding myself. My desire for children is still there, still deep inside me. I still want a big family, still want to see lots of happy faces round the Christmas tree each year...

But what if i can't become pregnant when the time comes? What if i miss-carry? What if i am never able to have children?

I have been a failiure in many things in my twenty six years, i do not want to fail at being a woman.


  1. Oh chick :(

    If it's any comfort my best friend has the most horrendous PCOS and has two beautiful babies to show for it. It did take a while conceiving her first but they stuff they can do to help these days is amazing.

    Your dream sounds scary - I have had dreams of miscarrying too, though lucky enough not to have experienced it. And before I fell pregnant with Kai my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to have children. I think as women we are hard wired to worry about this stuff - but you are very normal for doing so.

    Thank you for sharing this, big hugs xxx

  2. You poor thing, what a horrible dream. I have friends who have gone on to have children despite PCOS, through fertility treatment, and they're improving the technique all the time. One thing though, even if you were unable to conceive that would never render you unwomanly. You will always be, beautiful feminine you, with or without bebe tucked into your breast. Lots of hugs xxx

  3. Phew, A big hug from me and also I am a sucess story. I had PCOS and Endometiosis and still went on to have two wonderful children. I believe that everyone should follow their dreams

  4. Oh hugs many - everything is worth trying, no matter the pain, everything is worth it, because the regret you may feel one day may be horrible. It is definately worth trying, and if this is your dream Go for it. *hugs many* (very brave of you to write this too)