Spring Cleaning

Wow, I didn't think it had been so long since I last posted here. No wonder I was going a bit mad with my lack of writing!

Well, firstly, an update! I'm still depressed, still in love (weird that I can be both huh?) and still wanting to be a writer. Yikes. What a terrible update! I didn't realise my depression defined me that much that I would put it as my first mini update! Well that's got to change I reckon!

Lets focus on the positive for once shall we? \o/

Well as I mentioned above, I'm still in love. Yes, me and Ben have now been together for three years and I'm still as happy with him as I was when we first met. (Insert soppy and loved up stuff here) There's still the distance problem, but we seem to have coped very well with it to make it to three years!

I'm officially a writer! (I'm not really, but in my head I am!) Lets face it, it's all I've ever wanted to do, and over the years, its the only activity that's ever made me truly happy. My therapist practically begged me to get some of my poetry published, and my new personal job advisor has told me I would be selfish if I kept my writing to myself. So with a renewed sense of hope and confidence, I have vowed to write more, and actually put in the effort to get what I want. Thus the blog resurrection! Writing on a regular basis was always the key to keep me going, and rambling about my life always seemed a good way for me to, well, ramble. Cos I know I'm good at that! Plus, I think writing is the only thing that's going to get me and my fat ass away from playing Warcraft. Curse that game!

I have continued to write this past year. I wrote a fair few reviews which I published on a second blog, but these have since been deleted and I will repost them here at some stage. What's the point of having two blogs? If you're going to get an accurate picture of me and who I am, I may as well keep everything together.

My life has been fairly quiet in the past year, so I don't really have much of an update. However, the biggest news, and in my opinion, the best news, is me and my dad are back in contact, and seeing each other on a fairly regular basis. I even spoke to my step mum about the issues I had with his drink problem, which for me, was HUGE. I saw him at Christmas, and ever since then, I have made an effort to go every month. It doesn't seem like a lot, but for me that's a really big deal. And I'm glad I'm doing it. I don't want to have regrets when the inevitable happens.

I have also got a new story idea. It takes elements from previous ones I have planned and half-heartedly wrote, but for once, I'm actually feeling positive about this one. It somehow feels right, where as the other ones always seemed to have something missing. So whilst I'm feeling positive about it, I'm going to go and do some work on it. Maybe I'll tell you about it soon =)

Light at the end of the Tunnel

So much for my post about no more excuses. I am so terribly lazy when it comes to self motivation. Though in my defence, the last two months have been rather eventful. It has been the anniversary of a couple of very bad memories for me, along with loosing my job, and managing to get myself pregnant.

Its not been all bad though. Me and Ben have now been officially together for a year, and apart from the whole pregnancy thing throwing a spanner in the works, things between us have been running rather smoothly. We have started talking about moving in together, which for both of us will be a huge step.

My group therapy is also coming to an end this week, and that i can assure you has been a tough journey. I have always felt that i was such a complex person because i had so many conflicting emotions about various things, and things i felt that just made no sense. But now i fully understand a lot of my emotions, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good or a bad thing. Whilst the therapy will soon be over, i still have a way to go before my head is in a place where i feel is safe. But i feel that journey will be easier now, especially with all the support i have around me.

It's when you go through tough times you realise who your true friends are, and even which family members truly love you and will be there for you. And for the most part, i really couldn't have asked for more. I have so much love around me that i never really saw before, and when i take the time to actually look around, i can see it. And i can't believe how i missed it before. Maybe the black cloud above me is finally disappearing, allowing me to see the brightness of the world that i could never see before. Who knew the world was so full of colour, so full of energy and full of dreams.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And if only my eyes hadn't been so closed, i would have seen it sooner.

An Undecided Tiny Acorn

Hurray the Writing Workshop has returned!

I looked at this weeks writing prompts and I honestly couldn’t decided which to do. So can I cheat and do a short contribution for all five? Yes? Goodie!

Hmm ok, what do I seem unable to learn or remember? Quite a few things! I am not best known for my memory skills! And now I’m trying to think really hard of an example of my poor memory and guess what…? Yep, I can’t remember any! =/

So moving on to number 2. What do I miss most? Well that one is easy – Ben. I miss Ben more than anything. I miss him so much I physically ache when I’m not with him. Corny that may sound, but it is so true. The distance between us is a curse. Long distance relationships suck – FACT!

Number 3 – What steps have you taken this year so far to make a dream reality? Well lots of things. As you may already know I am currently doing lots of things to try and make myself a happier person – the occupational therapy, the group therapy, getting my own place, tenancy support when I finally move in… ok, so maybe being a happy, more positive person isn’t necessarily a dream, but it is something I have longed for for such a long time. I just hope I’m not taking on too much at once – the last thing I need right now is to be overwhelmed by everything!

There is also Judiths Room! Since I was 12 it has been a dream of mine to write, so I am making a conscious effort to, well, make an effort! I hope I can find the support and feedback I need here to help me rebuild my confidence and improve my writing ability.

Making some really nice friends too would also be a bonus! =)

4 – What is outside your window? There are two ways at looking at this. One could describe the overgrown tree blocking the majority of my view, the well kept gardens of my neighbours, the randomly scattered toys of my dog in my own garden…

Or I could look further.

What is outside my window? I would say opportunity. Life. The future. Life is for living, to live you need to experience the world and everything out there, for who knows what you are missing, sitting in your warm house, leaning back on your comfy chair and staring out the window?

Last but not least, number 5 – Blog about your very own tiny acorn and the resulting mighty oak!

This is perhaps the most difficult for me to write, but I would say that my own tiny acorn was in fact me. The recent changes I am making are all an aid to help me grow into that mighty oak I know I can be, that happy, care free, confident, vivacious girl that I used to be. I guess I’m going full circle – I used to be that mighty oak, but the elements of life got in the way and I faded, lost my way, and a tiny acorn, I fell from the highest branches into the soft ground below, buried by dead leaves and greenery, hiding me from the light and denying me the chance to grow. But as all seeds do, I’m fighting back toward the light, tentatively reaching out with newborn arms, determined to find my way back toward the stars.