Spring Cleaning

Wow, I didn't think it had been so long since I last posted here. No wonder I was going a bit mad with my lack of writing!

Well, firstly, an update! I'm still depressed, still in love (weird that I can be both huh?) and still wanting to be a writer. Yikes. What a terrible update! I didn't realise my depression defined me that much that I would put it as my first mini update! Well that's got to change I reckon!

Lets focus on the positive for once shall we? \o/

Well as I mentioned above, I'm still in love. Yes, me and Ben have now been together for three years and I'm still as happy with him as I was when we first met. (Insert soppy and loved up stuff here) There's still the distance problem, but we seem to have coped very well with it to make it to three years!

I'm officially a writer! (I'm not really, but in my head I am!) Lets face it, it's all I've ever wanted to do, and over the years, its the only activity that's ever made me truly happy. My therapist practically begged me to get some of my poetry published, and my new personal job advisor has told me I would be selfish if I kept my writing to myself. So with a renewed sense of hope and confidence, I have vowed to write more, and actually put in the effort to get what I want. Thus the blog resurrection! Writing on a regular basis was always the key to keep me going, and rambling about my life always seemed a good way for me to, well, ramble. Cos I know I'm good at that! Plus, I think writing is the only thing that's going to get me and my fat ass away from playing Warcraft. Curse that game!

I have continued to write this past year. I wrote a fair few reviews which I published on a second blog, but these have since been deleted and I will repost them here at some stage. What's the point of having two blogs? If you're going to get an accurate picture of me and who I am, I may as well keep everything together.

My life has been fairly quiet in the past year, so I don't really have much of an update. However, the biggest news, and in my opinion, the best news, is me and my dad are back in contact, and seeing each other on a fairly regular basis. I even spoke to my step mum about the issues I had with his drink problem, which for me, was HUGE. I saw him at Christmas, and ever since then, I have made an effort to go every month. It doesn't seem like a lot, but for me that's a really big deal. And I'm glad I'm doing it. I don't want to have regrets when the inevitable happens.

I have also got a new story idea. It takes elements from previous ones I have planned and half-heartedly wrote, but for once, I'm actually feeling positive about this one. It somehow feels right, where as the other ones always seemed to have something missing. So whilst I'm feeling positive about it, I'm going to go and do some work on it. Maybe I'll tell you about it soon =)

Measuring Success

So you want to be a writer? I have a question for you. How do you measure your own success?

For many of us I'm sure that getting published is the ultimate goal, but is it the only form of success? Is someone else giving credit to your work, putting money where their mouth is to publish your work the only way to prove your success?

For people like me, the answer would be yes. I have no self belief in my writing ability, so when i get a compliment, i just don't believe it. I believe that people tell me what i want to hear. I'm paranoid that way, but that's just me.

The chance that any of us wannabe writers getting published is slim, so if like me it's the only way to prove your writing is worth something, then we are doomed to think ourselves as failures.

I remember when i used to write for fun, because i enjoyed creating characters and making them interact, when the thought of being published was a distant dream. Now i know that i want to be a published author, i have found the thought of writing quite crippling. Fear of failure scares the hell out of me.

I need to refocus. See individual achievements for what they are, stop focusing on the bigger picture, stop putting so much pressure on myself. Whether it's getting published or not, writing a novel is still a huge personal achievement. Completing a chapter is an achievement, it means you're one step closer to the finished product. And even if we only manage 500 words before crawling into bed, it's still an achievement because it's 500 words we would otherwise not have written.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to start focusing on the smaller things. I'm going to celebrate my smaller achievements, take pride in things i previously would have passed over. And if someone tells me they like what i write, I'm going to try really hard to believe them. Because, realistically, even if they are telling me what i want to hear, the only person to gain from it would be me.

Ummming and Arrring

I'm not doing so well at the moment. Life has gotten to me. So, to try and give me a distraction, an online friend has given me an idea!

In short, he suggested that i set up another blog, seperate from this one, and write there. More specifically, i should write about a certain character, and be consistent with their story. Kind of like an online novel i suppose.

It all came about because i was moaning that i didnt feel very creative, and those people that read my blog only see me moan about how im currently feeling. He advised by having the two different blogs, i can be creative on one yet still be able to express myself freely on the other.

So i decided what the hell! I'll do it!

But now i can't decide which character to write about. The novel that i mentioned i had started writing when i was sixteen is sitting wide open in front of me and there are so many delicious characters i could choose from! In the planning stage of my novel, i had planned to write three of four books, all centering about a different character... But which should i do first!?

Tough decisions!

As the main story was about Pheonix, i'm going to ignore him for now. He already has his story planned, and it wouldn't fit what i'm trying to do here.

I'm thinking about writing about my hapless mage, i think he could be quite comical, to write about his spells going wrong and all the disasters he causes because of it.

Or Jenta, the queen who isn't a queen - (all explained in the first novel - dont worry it makes sense to me!)

Or Luanda, my wholesome priest. Hmmm, perhaps a little boring as a solo character for this idea.

Or Tulani, the last of his race, his heritage extending all the way back as far as documented, a fountain of knowledge of the world and psychic extrodinaire.

Hmm.

Perhaps a new character? Haha =/

A Little Understanding

When I first started writing this blog it was never with the intention of writing about my childhood experiences. Sure, I knew it would come up at some point, but I never suspected that it would be my main focus.

It’s a little annoying to be honest. I mean, I have always enjoyed writing, and despite what I write on this blog, my miserable life experiences are not the only thing I write about.

I love poetry – not reading it, just writing it. I’m not exactly talented at it, but it’s a way for me to be creative, to express myself. Ok, so the majority of my poetry is dark and negative, but there is the odd piece that has a glimmer of hope and a dream of a better life. I love writing short stories – admittedly, I haven’t written one for a while, but I wrote a fair few not that long ago.

And my novel… ah my blasted novel. What to do, what to do! Its been sitting on my shelf (well, now its packed in a box) for about 10 years or so now, untouched and unloved. I planned and planned that story so much that I don’t actually know what’s going on in it anymore. I had that many ideas for it I couldn’t actually decide on the final plotline. I wrote the prologue and the first two chapters, I had created my own language for it, planned each individual character, created a whole world for all the action to take place, planned historical events that would help shape the future of my world, designed the law and the whole political structure… I think too much planning put me off. Its as though I had already wrote the story in my head that it was too much effort to put it down on paper.

If any of you would like to read my poor attempt so far you can find the prologue over at Judiths Room!

I am confused by a lot of things at the moment. My writing is the only way that I can work through certain things as I struggle to express myself vocally. I have had a few people comment to me recently that they are surprised by my honesty on my blog, that I share so freely some of the things that I have experienced where most people wouldn’t. Well this is where i am at the moment. This is what i need to do. I don't write everything here, some things just don't need to be said, or are things that i myself find too hard to mention.

There is so much more that i could share with you. But for now, I shall leave you with this:

This is me
And all my generosity
This is me
And all of my monstrosities

This is me
Laid bare before your eyes
This is me
I wear no disguise

This is me
Naked to the core
This is me
I cannot give you more