What Not To Do When Being Burgled...

If you realised you had a burglar in your house, what would you do? Call the police? Turn a light on? Make some noise to alert the criminals to your presence? Send the dog downstairs to scare them off? Shake fearfully under your duvet and hope they go away? I'm sure any sensible person would have done one of the above.

So what did i do when last night i realised there were strangers in the house? Yep, you guessed it - none of the above. Stupidly i did the following...

I realised they were in the kitchen, which is right underneath my bedroom. So i opened my window, leaned out as far as i could so they would be able to hear me and shouted:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BUNCH OF SCABROTS BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!"

Yes, i used the word scabrot. What does that even mean!?

Surprisingly, i didn't get stabbed, or shot, or have anything stolen. The two teenagers that entered my house seemed to notice the anger in my voice and scurried off as quickly as they could, heaving themselves back out the kitchen window and stumbling and tripping over the mines in the garden that are Riley's squeaky toys. It was actually quite a comical getaway.

Shortly after the teenage crooks left the premises my adrenaline began to wear off, and the cough that has tortured me for the last God knows how long began to kick in. And i mean kick. I was coughing so much that i could hardly breathe, and that is a very frightening feeling. I began to panic. I tried using the inhaler that ive been given by my doctor but i was all fumbly and couldn't hold the silly thing in my shaking hands, never mind attempt to actually use it. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, my hole body was shaking and i'm still desperately trying to catch my breath.

Ten minutes later when my panic attack stops and i have managed to calm myself down, i use the inhaler, have a glass of water, and go back to bed. At this point, i am exhausted. Panic attacks always wear me down, they litterally drain the life out of me. Thankfully i don't have them as much as i used to do!

So there i was, lying in my bed all warm and comfy and then it hits me - i nearly got burgled. I am all alone. There were strangers in my house. I am all alone. Anything could have happened. I am all alone...

Roll on panic attack number two.

Needless to say it has been a very long night. When i got out of bed this morning at half past eight all i could manage to do was crawl to the bathroom and throw up. Curse these nerves of mine! At least now i am calmer and can focus properly on the day ahead. I have gone through the motions of adrenaline, realisation, fear, guilt, and now i'm just angry. Bastards in my house, how dare they! Little shits will get a good kick up the arse if i see them near this house again!

*shakes fist with vigour*