Whilst struggling to get to sleep last night, all i could think about was my current lack of mojo. A few people have commented to me recently how i need to go out more, do more, and it has made me realise how little i actually do, and how secluded i have become.
Currently i am signed off work by my doctor, but the time i spend at home is not the slightest bit productive. I have always wanted to be a writer, but i rarely write these days. Before i have always put this down to fear of failure, but now i just think i have withdrawn so far into myself that even writing, my biggest dream, my life times ambition, even that holds little motivation for me.
I used to have a wide circle of friends, and i would go out and socialise. Now i have one friend who i regularly see and keep in touch with, and he is awesome. But sometimes, when I'm with him, i will feel so disconnected from him, and i don't understand why.
Its the same with my family. Tonight, i am visiting my mother, and my brother will be there. And even though i am looking forward to seeing them both, already i can feel myself slipping into a state of mind where i am becoming numb, putting up shields and preparing a list of things that i could talk about, and i have nothing. I have done nothing to warrant conversation. So i will sit there, listen to both of their news, and i will withdraw even more into myself because i wont be able to relate to their comings and goings which in turn will make me feel invisible which will then make me not want to go round again because of how i ignored i feel when I'm there.
Which is really and utterly stupid.
The biggest problem i have at the moment is that even though i would like to be more social, quite frankly, people scare me. They never used to. But these days, even sitting on a bus i feel like everyone is staring at me and it really makes me uncomfortable, and i start to feel suffocated, and then i start panicking and then i want to run and flee and hide away from the world.
I've never really been any good at small talk. If people want to know about the weather, look outside, it doesn't need commenting on. Yes, you have a lovely dress, but you already know its lovely, or you wouldn't be wearing it.
None of this makes any sense to me. I never used to be this way.
I would love to be more like the person i used to be. I don't understand what happened to make me suddenly feel so inferior to everyone else. Because if i strip away all the confusion and emotion, that's what it all boils down too. Me feeling inferior. Me not feeling like i am worth anything good. Me not being deserving of good things and attention.
I do not know how to change this. I know i have people who love me, and they do their best to try and convince me i am worth something, that i have things to offer the world, that i have potential, that i am a good person worthy of good things.
But i just don't see what they see.
I do not know how to get out of this negative mindset. I do not know i can move forward with the current beliefs that i have, that i am convinced are true. So if any of you have any bright ideas, please let me know, as i am tired of feeling like i am just existing.
I want to live again.
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For what its worth. Try not to focus on you, you as a person, try and focus on what you want, what is it in life that you realy want? you say you have a friend, if you want to socialise, then does that friend have friends? if so see if you can go out with them, dont be intimidated as im sure nobody is out to judge you. just be you..
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to say? then dont worry because you wont be the only one, But im sure you have interests? you have already said that you would love to be a writer, this im sure would make a brilliant conversation with people who are willing to listen and communicate back to you..
The world can be big,scary,lonley and god damn dark most of the time BUT its ALWAYS, Always got a ray of sunshine that is willing you to grab hold of it and help lift you out into the beautiful world that we live in..
Go to a park or somewhere with open spaces, sit and listen to the birds sing, look at the flowers that are starting to come through in time for spring, all these have been hidden away through the dark cold winter and now its there turn to make the most of what life has to give them...
You too can make the most of what this world has to offer..
This is a great bit of writing and im sure if you focus on this more, you could achieve your lost ambition of becoming a writer.. even if its only read by yourself, this should give you great satisfaction and a i did it feel good factor..
why are you signed off work? go see your doctor and see if you can work again? maybe nothing to big, a little part time job in a shop,office or something outdoors.. go and se if you can do some voluntery work at the local paper, maybe you could shaddow a writer/reporter?
how about college? try and writing course where you will meet people who have the same passion as you?
as you can see, im no writer myself haha
Please believe that you CAN do what ever it is you want to do...
take care...
I couldn't read and run - I'm not sure what I can say to help but wanted to let you know that I know how you feel
ReplyDeleteI sometimes get stuck in a grey, miserable rut and getting out is a fight - but I do get out and you will too
((hugs))
Depression sucks doesn't it. I used to suffer with depression, did for years and years but it's gone now. I wish I knew what made it go as I could share that with people like you. (And become a millionaire!)
ReplyDeleteAm assuming you've been to the doctor and are getting treatment? If you are and it isn't working please go back and tell them. There are lots of options out there.
I think I suffered with depression as a child, definitely did as a teenager and after my marriage broke up in 2004 I was very depressed and in quite a scary place. I was prescribed prozac and I saw a hypnotherapist who worked on boosting self esteem and 'filing' problems. I'm not sure which of them it was but soon after I realised that my depression had lifted - probably for the first time in my life - it was amazing.
I have insecure days. I have times when I think no one will be interested in what I have to say and I know exactly what you mean about small talk! But for me the depression has gone (hopefully for good).
You sound lovely, bright and if you are who I think you are then you have a fabulous friend who I'm sure will wait an eternity to get you back.
Best of luck to you xxx