A New Beginning

As everyone seems to do at New Year, I have made a resolution that I hope I can keep. It is one I touched on before Christmas, about trying to be more positive, trying harder, being more confident, trying to be a better person etc.

It’s a New Year. It is time for a fresh start.

2009 was not a very good year for me. (Apart from the whole meeting Ben thing of course – because that has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to me and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.) But aside from meeting Ben, the rest of the year was pretty shitty for a whole bunch of various reasons. But I have taken steps to improve my life, and get the help that I have needed for a long while.

I have started seeing an Occupational Therapist, after a discussion with a mental health professional this seemed the best way forward for me. My anti depressant has been increased to the maximum dose, which although has stabilised my mood, I constantly feel sick which isn’t a nice side effect but ho hum. I have extra support at work from an outside company which has negotiated with my employer over my mental health to make sure that I am not taken advantage of or bullied or.. or anything else. I have the offer of my own tenancy with the council – my own space without all the stresses and arguments I’ve been having with my family. Though they are still taking their sweet time about it all as they still don’t have the keys and I’ve not even seen the place yet! Grrr! But when I do get to move in, I will have something called tenancy support which will be someone coming in once a week to help me with things like budgeting, learning to cook and general issues I may be having which will be a huge help to me.

But aside from all this support I have, the biggest thing is yet to come – and that starts this Friday. Because of my history, and the fact that I have never really dealt with it, I have signed up for a therapy group for survivors of sexual abuse. It is going to be a fortnightly session on a Friday morning and will last about an hour and a half or so. And I am starting to get really really anxious about the whole thing. I’m trying not to worry about it too much as I am trying to keep to my resolution to stop worrying so much and to think more positively – this therapy can only be a good thing for me surely?

It will help me no end to meet people who have been through what I have. To finally be able to communicate with people who understand all the thoughts inside my head without thinking I am a freak. To understand my guilt, my confusion, my fear… Admittedly, I know that this will be a hard journey for me to start, as dealing with my issues means facing them and reliving them – but I have my friends, I have Ben, and I know they will be there for me when I need them.

I am not afraid to face this anymore.