Friday, January 29, 2010
Today I am feeling vulnerable. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the meeting I have at work this afternoon? Or the travelling I will be doing this evening and being around people? Or that I am feeling drained from my lack of sleep? Though I am pretty sure it’s because of the flashback I had last night.
It’s strange, to suddenly see something that had been blocked for so long. It kind of just hits you, like a big whopping smack in the face. You take a step back… Did you really just see what you think you did? Remember what you think you did? Is it real? Did it really happen?
When it’s been blocked for so long, that flashback is like its happening for the first time. At least, in the first instant. Now I have had time to process it, I feel… actually I’m not quite sure how I am feeling. Except vulnerable. And on edge. At least it means that I am starting to deal with things and accept them. By remembering previous events it means I am opening up, and starting to come to terms with my past.
My head is fuzzy today. The Mini-Me I spoke of yesterday keeps hitting the chocolate button, the tea button, the hugs button… and shes damn well jumping up and down on the Ben button.
I need him. I need him like I’ve never needed him before. And I think that is only adding to my vulnerability right now. The nature of my flashback last night… I’m a little scared about having contact with Ben… not because I’m scared of the contact, but because I’m scared the contact will be a trigger for a panic attack, or another flashback.
Sometimes I wish I had never started this journey. Sometimes I think I was coping better with everything being locked away and just being a quiet, sad girl who liked to keep to herself. But there comes a stage in your life when you realise there is just so much more out there. I’m never going to see the world locked away in my room and hiding from everyone. I’m never going to live a life if I’m too consumed with my emotions to be able see the things passing before me.
To be able to deal with all the thoughts going on in my head I need to take a closer look at them. I need to be able to understand them. Then I can take steps to move past them.
It’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I had gotten myself into a position where I would be strong enough to cope with the things inside my head, strong enough to tackle them. I guess I was for the things I could remember… but these flashbacks are a whole new ball game, one of which I was not prepared for.
I’m anxious. I’m scared. I’m damn well petrified. What else have I buried so deep in my psyche that I can’t recall? Are these other banished memories going to jump out at me too?
I’m trying to keep a clear head, but I am struggling. My coping mechanisms are not exactly healthy ones, and I do not want to go back to being that way, to doing… that. But God it helped and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to vent my anger, I don’t know how to vent my frustration, I don’t know how to express myself.
And so I need Ben. I am safe when I am with Ben. Ben transports me to a place that I can only describe as heaven, for that little world we are in when we are together is just, well, heavenly. Its like the whole world doesn’t exist anymore – it is just us. I don’t have to worry about the real world, my problems, my stresses. I don’t have to worry about trying to keep a brave face on for the world, trying to be happy when I’m clearly not.
For Ben sees me. Really sees me. And he understands. And he accepts me for who I am and has never once tried to change me.