Its that time again! Sleep is for the Weak has once more posted a weekly writing workshop and here is my effort! I chose prompt 5.
I'm not afriad anymore. Well, i am. I am absolutely petrified. But i cannot go on the way i have been.
For those who read my blog you will know 2 things: a, its very depressing to read haha, and b, im making an awful lot of changes right now.
You see, I was abused as a child. I have tried to deal with it previously, but i never seemed ready. Or i was too scared. I have seen three counsellors in the past, and i just couldnt connect to any of them. I felt like i was being judged every time. I didn't feel comfortable.
And for me thats a huge thing - needing to feel comfortable, to feel safe. It was a family member who abused me. Both my parents knew what he was like and still let him into our home. I have a lot of anger inside me, anger i am too afraid to show.
It has took me 16 years to get to where i am now. Still a mess, but stumbling along through life, trying to keep my head above water. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes and a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I want to be the happy girl i used to be as a child, the confident little madam who was afraid of nothing, energetic, outgoing...
I don't want to be afraid anymore.
It's time for me to reach out.
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By writing this post, you are on the road to courage; able to give yourself the baton to continue your life, only now, the path you take will be in another direction. There's nothing wrong with being you. You're a lovely, honest and decent human being, with a determination to be happy. And you will be.
ReplyDeleteA lovely post, CJ xx
Sorry I'm late commenting. You are so brave and you can reach out and move forward. Sending you (((HUGS))) xxx
ReplyDeleteI understand - I really do. I saw a counseller and she was brilliant. Person centred counselling doesn't have that judgement element to it that some have. I told her things that I never thought I would tell anyone - that I never went near on my own. But she never once judged me. I thought that I would never get over "that" stuff. I read stories of everyone else who did and always assumed I would be the exception.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you categorically that there is a way through. That you can do it. You will never forget and the nightmares will never go away, but you will develop a coping mechanism that means that you don't hate yourself quite so much. You have the link to my blog here if you post a comment I can get your email address and we can talk - or if you are on Twitter follow me (The_moiderer) and I can DM you the details.
Well done for writing that down. You are already a braver woman than me!
Thank you all for your lovely comments. Im just about managing to keep my head above water at the moment, so writing some things down does help a little.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your support!